Co-Verlords

It has been over a month since I announced that a webcomic detailing certain life experiences has been released, and now it is finally here.

I won't spent much time discussing this now (except, perhaps, a wee bit of gloating), and instead will simply leave you with this link.

Co-Verlords: The Comic

Why do I need to do this...

This is, actually and rather unbelievably, an excuse for my silence of late. The reason for this is simply that my attention has been devoted to another project entirely.

And I am now ready to announce the Co-Verlord project.

An instructional comic detailing the typical examples used to depict rises to power. This particular story, which is of course COMPLETELY FICTIONAL (I believe nudge nudge wink wink is the correct phrase to use in these circumstances) details the course of the two Evil Overlords (Co Evil Overlords, Co-Verlords) who I am currently employed by.

While I can make no guarantees to the flawlessness of my artistic capabilities, the principle is sound and I believe shows a decent example of problems one may encounter as an Overlord, or as this blog focuses on, the servants of an Overlord (alas, many of these problems involve not being the central character, or even necessarily a support character).

I cannot guarantee you precisely when this comic will be instated, nor when a link to it will be posted. However, here is a black and white (the actual comic will be in color) teaser of an unfinished page.

And Now a Word from ME...

To begin with, I wish to inform you that there will be a slight Christmas break, although I cannot guarantee that lessons will not begin sporadically again on Christmas Eve, or day, or possibly even tomorrow. It depends when inspiration hits.

Evil waits for no one, after all.

Well, that's a slight lie. It'll be waiting on Christmas day, ironically because I'm going to be at church. The amusement this causes does not escape me.

 Please excuse me while I slip out of character.

Anyway, the plans for 2014 (dang. What happened to 2012? I'm too young for it to be 2014!) are as follows.

So I say, to all one of you reading this... Yes, I know you're there. Watching, always watching... You're evil. Well, I mean, obviously not evil enough or you wouldn't be reading this, but...

There is a slight possibility of an official comic involving the story of Moira Darke (or more specifically, the Co-verlords. This may make sense, if I actually get around to it).

The blog will, of course, continue to be updated. Hopefully more regularly, but I've promised you this before so clearly you cannot trust my word on anything.

With any luck, the upcoming blog posts will also involve art of some sort to, aha, illustrate my point. No more endless blocks of text. You're welcome.

I am also contemplating the possibility of recruiting one of the local Overlords to begin his own blog of instructions. Perhaps I'll even get the hero to do it. As far as I'm aware, we don't have any sidekicks around here, but I'm sure I could scrounge something up. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

So there you have it. You also have your first time talking to me and not to Moira Darke. I also feel the need (it's that bloody Christmas Spirit thing, isn't it...? Fortunately, I am immune) to remind readers that I am, in fact, not evil, and you probably shouldn't be unless you're really, really good at it and promise to give me Australia and Hokkaido when you take over the world.

Happy Christmas
-Me

Professional Arrogance

An interesting question of evil etiquette (no, it is not an oxymoron) has arisen lately.

How does one handle one's self in the undesirable position of being in the presence of a hero in a non-combat appropriate situation?

You would be surprised how often this happens. For example, quite often the hero and the Overlord are related or grew up together or otherwise were familiar with each other before this whole "evil" business started. What this invariably means is that there are going to be times when they cannot avoid each other, and cannot actively attempt to kill one another.

I grant you, these times are very rare and only effect Overlords who are not, in fact, Overlords at all - rather aspiring Overlords. Overlords who have successfully dominated the world rarely need to worry about social obligations.

But you as a minion do not have that luxury, and most aspiring Overlords don't either.

The first thing to remember, obviously enough, is not to start shooting (as tempting as it may be). This also applies to you Overlords out there.

Occasionally you will simply run into an opponent. If your Overlord is not present, you have a few decisions to make. For starters: Could you, in theory, take this enemy on in a fight?

If the answer is no, do whatever it takes to avoid fighting. Surrender, if you have to.

Or talk.

Obviously if you are in a public location with no hope of defeating the hero, fighting is not an acceptable answer. I recommend speaking with the respect of one working stiff to another. You are, as they say, off the clock. This may even be the correct time to learn important information about the hero through observation in a non-combat situation (something that, as a minion, you very rarely experience).

Alternately you could simply dodge behind the nearest tree, shelf, building or person and try to avoid eye contact. That works too.

~Headmistress Darke

the Etiquette of Understatement

This is, my apprentice minions, yet another lesson discussing the basics of Overlord/Minion relationships and manners.

Something that has recently been brought to my attention is the growing concern that too much of minionhood is about simply avoiding death and dodging hero attacks. But we cannot all be action heroes; for a start, nothing would actually get done.

 Obsidian fortresses of death are all well and good, but who sweeps the floor? Who cleans the torture rooms? Who brings the Overlord coffee and then washes the dishes?

To be honest, the concise answer is this: you do.

Or rather, not you personally (if you do, you may consider a different Overlord). This school's curriculum is geared towards those who are not simply minions, but are the head of minions. Consider yourself the butler. You do the tasks that require interaction with the Overlord, and you delegate the others to minions lower on the ladder of command (in general, when minioning, the easiest position is at the head of the ladder, and the safest is just below that).

For example, you will bring the Overlord coffee (for the record, my current Overlord prefers hot chocolate. If I mysteriously stop posting after this, I have probably been smote by his evil wrath. It will certainly prove whether or not he reads this blog. Likewise, the other Overlord who works with the firsts Overlord - they're Co-verlords - prefers gummy bears).

Besides bringing the Overlord the favored beverage of his choice, you will also undoubtedly be the one chauffeuring him to all his evil appointments like the nuclear warhead shop and the company that he plans on blackmailing into funding his excursions to the nuclear warhead shop. You'd be surprised how expensive taking over the world can be.

And where are you during these negotiations? Why, you are nowhere at all. You are simply standing discreetly behind your Overlord, carrying whatever paperwork or deadly weapons he made need, and not saying a word.*

Likewise, when cleaning the evil fortress, you must make sure to never be obvious while doing so. It's fine to be sweeping the floor in the background, but not while the Overlord is entertaining guests or possibly torturing them.

You must also make sure that your methods of hiding in plain sight, so to speak, means that you will rarely be noticed even by the Overlord. For example, if the hero mysteriously escapes his prison, chances are quite evil (the word good was not appropriate here) that your Overlord will fly into a rage and want someone to murder brutally. It is advisable that it isn't you.

This is why a uniform for the staff is a good idea. If every single person in the fortress and the evil army is wearing something identical, and the Overlord is the only person singled out, you stand a much better chance of avoiding the notice of people who wish to do harm.

Keep out of the Overlord's way, and clean up his messes. That is the duty you have gotten yourself into.

~Headmistress Darke

*

Side note: The exception to this rule is, of course, to the hulking thug variety of minion, who must look as indiscreet as possible. He needs to be noticed (I here say he, because the hulking thug is hardly ever female). The trouble he has, however, is looking terrifying while not washing out the Overlord's aura of evil menace.

What is a Bad Idea?

Simple pieces of wisdom:

It's a Bad Idea if:

You are drunk when you conceive it. Minions who drink excessively do not become Overlords. If you and your minion buddies have been having a few rounds and suddenly you realize that you're still holding your Overlord's Giant, Red, End-of-theWorld button, and you think, Hey, I bet pressing this would be really cool! then you are the victim of a Bad Idea.

It is a Bad Idea if every person says it is. If you cannot get even one person to tell you it's a Good Idea, then it's not. If every person says it's a bad idea, it does not mean that every person on earth is crazy (although this is occasionally true). It means you are wrong.

If it involves lots of explosives and destruction, it's probably a Bad Idea. Don't blow anything up unless you're sure it's a Good Idea (see the first two paragraphs above).

It is a Bad Idea if you will be put in jail by both the Hero and the Overlord for doing it. This includes trying to destroy the world, and trying to kill their parents (have you noticed how often the hero and the overlord are related? It's more often than you would think).

And most importantly, it's a Bad Idea if you think it is. Please, minions, a degree of common sense. Try and think things through before carrying them out. As always, the best defense against stupidity is yourself.

~Headmistress Darke

When Captive

There are many times in the life of a head minion that one finds one's self in a situation less than pleasing. Occasionally it's something like the dishwasher breaking down or accidentally causing the end of civilization as we know it or the Overlord beating you over the head with his Scepter of Evil Destiny.

But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.

This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.

When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.

The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.

Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.

Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.

Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.

Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.

Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.

The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.

If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.

While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.

Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.

The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.

And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.

Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.

~Headmistress Darke