Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)

Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.

Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.

Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.

There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).

This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.

Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.

Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.

Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.

Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).

Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.

And good luck.

And Now a Word From Our Sponser

Interestingly enough, my Overlord has just discovered this blog and has graciously volunteered to give his own views on minionship. I might consider protesting, except he provides my paycheck. So without further ado, a guest blog post from Overlord Kain Eralf.

 

"I agree with Miss Darke, the quality of minions is going down, in overall performance, and just the common sense that one has, well should have, when in such an occupation.

As an Overlord, it is our duty to properly train our minions, and train them well; however, many of us are ignoring this responsibility, which is why, so far, we have all failed. Of course, the minions are rarely to blame for the actual fall of their lord. A lot of them have made mistakes, and much too many are actually switching sides. Ugh, Overlords going good, it's horrible.
Minions should make sure that their overlord is truly evil first, and then do everything they can to help ensure their lord’s success.

One common instance I have found leading to one’s demise can be easily fixed. A minion should take these steps. When their master’s arch nemesis is in the cell block, stay awake, make sure that there are no objects with which the prisoner can hook the keys off the wall (not like they should be hanging on the wall anyways. They should be a ways away, in the master lockbox, in possession of a diligent and wise minion, or similar.), and do not listen to or believe their pitiful sob story of a troubled life with no parents, etc. and any other heartstrings way of getting away.

Note to Minions: If you haven’t already figured this out, when said arch nemesis is released from his cell for any reason, he will, understandably, go to silence to the guard.

Other general tips include; if there are not regular training exercises, try to find a way to start one.

 

On patrols, if you hear a strange noise, inform the head of your department as to what you heard and where you heard it. Try to find the safest way to investigate. Same goes for if your patrol partner suddenly goes missing. Though, if he does go missing, hit the alarm immediately. If YOU’RE the one that gets picked up by one of the hero’s gang, screaming is probably the best you can do other than taking a shot at them. Screaming will tell your partner to hit the alarm. Constantly practice your aim and overall skill with ranged and close-range weapons too. A well-practiced mind and trigger finger are key to being promoted.
 

Simply, read Peter’s Overlord list, it is a huge help to Overlord and Minion alike.

Minions, be as productive as possible, only object to small matters when your lord is in a good mood unless you are his trusted lieutenant. Help him in what ways you can, make smart decisions, and ALWAYS be diligent.

Guest Speaker,
Kain A. Eralf,
Overlord