Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
What We Do
Ethical Evil is an oxymoron, of course, and the purpose of this academy is not to teach you how to become a hero (although I'm sure you'll find some sort of instruction on that. It's a more more socially acceptable subject).
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Rally
Some weeks ago, I was approached by Megan S, of Stellar Four, and asked whether I would like to do guest blog post on the topic of evil.
Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.
If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.
Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.
If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
A Thing to Consider, Part 2
The finish-up lesson from my previous post.
We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.
More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.
First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.
When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.
Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.
Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.
Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.
What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?
First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?
Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.
For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.
Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.
But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.
And now, go out and be terrible little minions.
~Headmistress Darke
We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.
More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.
First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.
When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.
Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.
Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.
Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.
What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?
First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?
Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.
For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.
Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.
But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.
And now, go out and be terrible little minions.
~Headmistress Darke
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A Thing to Consider, Part 1
Hello, my students.
You may have noticed my silence over these past few months. I will attempt to remedy this, not the least because someone actually left a comment, proving that, on occasion, people may actually read this. It may be because they heard about it from me, or decided for whatever reason to Google a cheap source of slave labor to build their death ray, or it may be because they just happened to click on the wrong link.
I don't care. Views are views.
Apologies over. Moving on...
The topic I've chosen to address in today's lesson is one that I may or may not have briefly addressed before, and that is this:
What is the proper etiquette for telling your Overlord that you wish to leave?
Of course, the easiest, and often safest way, is not to tell him at all. We will discuss this more in the second part of this class.
First of all, there are things to consider. Namely, why are you leaving in the first place?
Often the Overlord is simply insane. This is not necessarily a bad thing; most of the best villains are. However, if you begin to fear for your sanity - you are, simply put, in the wrong line of work.
Telling your Overlord this, though, if he is likely to go into a psychotic rage, can be an intimidating prospect. There are several ideal situations. For example, if I were faced with such a situation, my dialogue would probably go something like this, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett:
Hypothetical Me: "Permission to leave for grandmother's funeral?"
Hypothetical Overlord: "Why?"
Hypothetical Me: "It's her or me."
Or, if that sounds like the perfect way to get yourself smote, try simply lying and telling him you're going somewhere else.
You can also tell your Overlord exactly why you want to leave. Perhaps you'll catch him in a good mood, and he'll let you go with nothing but a generous severance package. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll catch him in a less good mood, and he'll let you go with a less-than-generous severance package (sometimes it's best not to imagine what precisely is being severed).
So honestly is not always the best policy.
Which brings us to another possible reason for your desire to leave evil service: Morals. Perhaps you have decided to leave because you don't feel comfortable serving evil any longer.
Leave immediately, and without any attempts to persuade your former Overlord from his wicked ways. There's plenty of time for that via email or long-distance phone calls. I will not address this very much, for the simple reason that chances of survival for you aren't so great.
Good luck, and this topic should return with the next lesson.
As always, go darken the world like a little shadow of evil.
~Headmistress Darke
You may have noticed my silence over these past few months. I will attempt to remedy this, not the least because someone actually left a comment, proving that, on occasion, people may actually read this. It may be because they heard about it from me, or decided for whatever reason to Google a cheap source of slave labor to build their death ray, or it may be because they just happened to click on the wrong link.
I don't care. Views are views.
Apologies over. Moving on...
The topic I've chosen to address in today's lesson is one that I may or may not have briefly addressed before, and that is this:
What is the proper etiquette for telling your Overlord that you wish to leave?
Of course, the easiest, and often safest way, is not to tell him at all. We will discuss this more in the second part of this class.
First of all, there are things to consider. Namely, why are you leaving in the first place?
Often the Overlord is simply insane. This is not necessarily a bad thing; most of the best villains are. However, if you begin to fear for your sanity - you are, simply put, in the wrong line of work.
Telling your Overlord this, though, if he is likely to go into a psychotic rage, can be an intimidating prospect. There are several ideal situations. For example, if I were faced with such a situation, my dialogue would probably go something like this, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett:
Hypothetical Me: "Permission to leave for grandmother's funeral?"
Hypothetical Overlord: "Why?"
Hypothetical Me: "It's her or me."
Or, if that sounds like the perfect way to get yourself smote, try simply lying and telling him you're going somewhere else.
You can also tell your Overlord exactly why you want to leave. Perhaps you'll catch him in a good mood, and he'll let you go with nothing but a generous severance package. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll catch him in a less good mood, and he'll let you go with a less-than-generous severance package (sometimes it's best not to imagine what precisely is being severed).
So honestly is not always the best policy.
Which brings us to another possible reason for your desire to leave evil service: Morals. Perhaps you have decided to leave because you don't feel comfortable serving evil any longer.
Leave immediately, and without any attempts to persuade your former Overlord from his wicked ways. There's plenty of time for that via email or long-distance phone calls. I will not address this very much, for the simple reason that chances of survival for you aren't so great.
Good luck, and this topic should return with the next lesson.
As always, go darken the world like a little shadow of evil.
~Headmistress Darke
Monday, June 24, 2013
....
http://www.lfgcomic.com/page/681/
At first I thought this was touching.
Then I wondered what was wrong with me.
At first I thought this was touching.
Then I wondered what was wrong with me.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
My, my... Some recognition at last.
Well, not personal recognition. I remain in delightful obscurity. Or less than delightful obscurity.
I am not bitter.
Much.
I had, in fact, been growing less interested in my beloved school. Evil seemed to leave me for these past months.... I have, for no reason beside a sunny day or a kind word from the strange creatures called friends, been feeling cheerful. Oh, woe is me; cheerful without even blowing anything up.
Until I was browsing the blog of Stellar Four, located at this link HERE, and saw their latest blog post, located at this link HERE. Thank you to the ladies at Stellar Four.
Their blog led me to Evil Supply Co. at this last link HERE where the first thing that caught my attention was that they have merit badges for Overlords - and for minions.
Yes, you heard that correctly. We have recognition! I mean, Overlords are always used to brushing minions aside until they need us to do some dirty word - and everyone thinks of us as less. I mean, I capitalize Overlord but not minion! Even I fall pray to the whims of society, such as it is.
But at least we have some recognition, and now the perfect way to show you are proud of being a minion is to go and proudly wear one of these badges on your Dark Robe of Evil.
(Of course, one might argue that you cannot wear an evil merit badge - or as I like to think of them, de-merit badges - unless you actually do recognize a hero in disguise or work with evil robots, but hey; you're evil.)
So go and spend any money you may or may not have (banks are usually a good place to start, and you've been dying to test out that new ray gun) on all sorts of lovely evil trinkets and cards from the site. While you're at it, be sure to check out Stellar Four, because I ripped off their blog post without permission and I do not want to be sued.
Note to Stellar Four: Please do not sue me. It has been established that I am mildly evil, but not deserving of any real punishment.
In fact, when it comes down to it, ripping off someone's blog is the most evil thing I've done in recent times.
And I even gave them credit, at what is PROBABLY THIS LAST LINK HERE.
I think I'll go slam my head against my desk a few times.
I am not bitter.
Much.
I had, in fact, been growing less interested in my beloved school. Evil seemed to leave me for these past months.... I have, for no reason beside a sunny day or a kind word from the strange creatures called friends, been feeling cheerful. Oh, woe is me; cheerful without even blowing anything up.
Until I was browsing the blog of Stellar Four, located at this link HERE, and saw their latest blog post, located at this link HERE. Thank you to the ladies at Stellar Four.
Their blog led me to Evil Supply Co. at this last link HERE where the first thing that caught my attention was that they have merit badges for Overlords - and for minions.
Yes, you heard that correctly. We have recognition! I mean, Overlords are always used to brushing minions aside until they need us to do some dirty word - and everyone thinks of us as less. I mean, I capitalize Overlord but not minion! Even I fall pray to the whims of society, such as it is.
But at least we have some recognition, and now the perfect way to show you are proud of being a minion is to go and proudly wear one of these badges on your Dark Robe of Evil.
(Of course, one might argue that you cannot wear an evil merit badge - or as I like to think of them, de-merit badges - unless you actually do recognize a hero in disguise or work with evil robots, but hey; you're evil.)
So go and spend any money you may or may not have (banks are usually a good place to start, and you've been dying to test out that new ray gun) on all sorts of lovely evil trinkets and cards from the site. While you're at it, be sure to check out Stellar Four, because I ripped off their blog post without permission and I do not want to be sued.
Note to Stellar Four: Please do not sue me. It has been established that I am mildly evil, but not deserving of any real punishment.
In fact, when it comes down to it, ripping off someone's blog is the most evil thing I've done in recent times.
And I even gave them credit, at what is PROBABLY THIS LAST LINK HERE.
I think I'll go slam my head against my desk a few times.
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