What is a Bad Idea?

Simple pieces of wisdom:

It's a Bad Idea if:

You are drunk when you conceive it. Minions who drink excessively do not become Overlords. If you and your minion buddies have been having a few rounds and suddenly you realize that you're still holding your Overlord's Giant, Red, End-of-theWorld button, and you think, Hey, I bet pressing this would be really cool! then you are the victim of a Bad Idea.

It is a Bad Idea if every person says it is. If you cannot get even one person to tell you it's a Good Idea, then it's not. If every person says it's a bad idea, it does not mean that every person on earth is crazy (although this is occasionally true). It means you are wrong.

If it involves lots of explosives and destruction, it's probably a Bad Idea. Don't blow anything up unless you're sure it's a Good Idea (see the first two paragraphs above).

It is a Bad Idea if you will be put in jail by both the Hero and the Overlord for doing it. This includes trying to destroy the world, and trying to kill their parents (have you noticed how often the hero and the overlord are related? It's more often than you would think).

And most importantly, it's a Bad Idea if you think it is. Please, minions, a degree of common sense. Try and think things through before carrying them out. As always, the best defense against stupidity is yourself.

~Headmistress Darke

When Captive

There are many times in the life of a head minion that one finds one's self in a situation less than pleasing. Occasionally it's something like the dishwasher breaking down or accidentally causing the end of civilization as we know it or the Overlord beating you over the head with his Scepter of Evil Destiny.

But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.

This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.

When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.

The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.

Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.

Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.

Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.

Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.

Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.

The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.

If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.

While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.

Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.

The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.

And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.

Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.

~Headmistress Darke

The Art of Trudgery

I'm sure all low-ranking minions can remember fondly the feeling of trudging in the ranks of an army of terror, while your Overlord rode in style on the popular vehicle of his choice and time. While he simply lounges in his vehicle, possibly watching videos of the most amusing times his minions have died, you are ankle deep in sludge, carrying weapons on your back, and trying to think happy thoughts (although I would not recommend mentioning this to your Overlord. Happy thoughts are neither encouraged nor acceptable for a minion. Try thinking about kicking puppies and stealing candy from small children instead).

This, however, needn't be as uncomfortable as it sounds.

For example, it is unlikely that you are under much supervision at this time. The highest ranking minions will also not be trudging, though they won't be in the limo with the overlord (personally, I hear unicycles are a trendy option, although most end up in vehicles that are not powered by themselves).

Since you aren't going to be watched by your superiors at all times, there are definitely things you can get away with. I recommend coughing up some of your pathetic salary for an iPod or Mp3 player. If you think you're going to get caught, hide it under your uniform. It's easier if you have long hair or a hood to hide the earbuds with. Be sure to keep the volume low enough that you can hear in case anyone screams at you.

Thermal underwear is another good idea when you're trudging in cold weather. It's thin enough that it can hide under your uniform relatively simply, provided you aren't the sort of minion wearing skintight leather - which really is highly impractical.

Good boots are also a necessity. Even when trudging a short distance, hiking boots will significantly decrease blisters and sores.

Drink plenty of water. If your Overlord is particularly theatrical, then he will undoubtedly want evil cheers/jeers when you encounter the opposing forces.

Sing-alongs while on the road are not recommended. Overlords are tetchy, and you don't want to be known as someone spreading cheer among the ranks.

Stay comfortable, my loyal students, and remember that going to war is a serious business. I cannot urge you strongly enough to keep your head down (but not too far down or you'll end up with a neck-ache) and do not make trouble while on the road, because while normally this would earn you a mere flogging, on the move things are much more serious. So trudge, don't prance, and above all, maintain a shielding level of cynicism.

Homework assignment: What is the fashion in which to carry one's self while trudging?

~Headmistress Darke

Interrogation Etiquette (Part 2)

This is a continuation of the previous discussion on interrogation room procedures. Please, read the other lesson here.

This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.

1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.

2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.

3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.

4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.

5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.

6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.

And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.

Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.

~Headmistress Darke

Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)

A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.

However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.

I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:

1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.

This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.

2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.

For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.

3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.

This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).

4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.

You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.

5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.

Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.

6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.

Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all.  Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.

Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.

This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.

~Headmistress Darke

Welcome to Moira Darke's School for Minions

The school term is a tad difficult when you live my life. Combined with trying to undermine the political situation to make it simpler for my Overlord to take over the world, building death rays, laser beams, freeze rays, etc., and of course trying to maintain this faculty of one.

Over the past few months, this has taken its toll on the school. The few lessons you have received have not been up to the usual standards of the school.

Note: I am considering hiring my own minions to write the lessons. It would save a considerable amount of time, and I'm sure you wouldn't notice any change in quality. Probably.

So I ask you to think of the past few months as a holiday, a late summer vacation - because we are back in business.

That is all.

~Headmistress Darke

Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)

Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.

Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.

Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.

There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).

This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.

Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.

Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.

Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.

Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).

Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.

And good luck.