Something to Avoid, Part 1

This is a very important subject for those of you who are dumb enough to become hulking thugs (not that all thugs are dumb, of course - just most). If you aren't incredibly dumb, you probably don't need to read this, but I suggest you do anyway.

Don't fall in love with your boss. He is evil.

I mean, please. 

How often has it happened? The minion falls in love with the Overlord, and serves him all the more willingly for it.

Let's face facts, people. If you think the Overlord is falling in love with you, you are being manipulated. Anyone ever watched, for example Harry Potter?

Or perhaps Doctor Who?

What do Chip and Bellatrix have in common?

They fell in love with their master/mistress. And what happened? Why, they died. They were merely pawns. Valuable pawns, perhaps, but pawns nonetheless.

It's happened countless times, people. And when has it actually ended well?

Given a choice on this blog, I will always give advice for the minion's benefit, not the Overlord's (unless they are the same at the time). So believe me when I tell you that this is a stupid idea.

Please excuse the little rant.

Homework: Give me more examples of stupid minions falling for their Overlords/masters/mistresses.

~Headmistress Darke

For those suffering from stress...

You should try this. 

Evil Link Here

I actually preferred it when it was shaped like a giant, red, explosion-causing button - but it still performs the same function. It's for those select few Overlords who cannot laugh evilly without assistance. It also is a very good stress reliever for minions.

Just press it a few dozen times and wait for the cares of the day to melt away!

~Headmistress Darke

Weaponry

I apologize, my loyal minions (or I would, if I really cared) about my silence these past few weeks. I'd give an excuse, but I was just too busy to think of one.

Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.

Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.

A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.

Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.

As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.

But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.

Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?


Glad to hear it.


Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.

~Headmistress Darke

And a Happy (but not entirely) New Year

Well, 2012 is pretty much over and done. For some, this may be a good thing, others, not so much. I don't really care.

I'm feeling pretty good about the upcoming year, actually. For starters, it's 2013. Emphasis on the 13. Lucky number, right? Or not...

So, what are you going to do this upcoming year? Any great resolutions to fail to keep? Perhaps you have plans to stop drinking coffee or lose twenty pounds or destroy the earth using a gigantic superlaser from outer-space.

These are all good and respectable goals, but we have to be realistic: There's no way you're ever going to  lay off the coffee.

Choosing a new year's resolution can be very good for you. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment from failing to honor you resolution. It will make you a much better minion, too. All Overlords look for minions with low self-esteem.

For example, this year one of my many resolutions (I never make less than two. That way it drags out the pain.) is to keep a journal. The reason? Well, for Christmas I received a copy of the Diary of River Song. That way I can keep records of my evildoings in a physical journal instead of the internet.

The trick to choosing a resolution is to make it possible. It's no good if it's totally unobtainable - if you fail, it should be your own fault. That said, sometimes through sheer force of will, you can actually achieve your goal.

For example, a reasonable idea would be to donate all your to assorted minion-related schools. Or perhaps just devote your time to creating dozens of blogger accounts and using them to become scores of duplicate students and give me lots of views.  But those are just ideas.

And Now a Word From Our Sponser

Interestingly enough, my Overlord has just discovered this blog and has graciously volunteered to give his own views on minionship. I might consider protesting, except he provides my paycheck. So without further ado, a guest blog post from Overlord Kain Eralf.

 

"I agree with Miss Darke, the quality of minions is going down, in overall performance, and just the common sense that one has, well should have, when in such an occupation.

As an Overlord, it is our duty to properly train our minions, and train them well; however, many of us are ignoring this responsibility, which is why, so far, we have all failed. Of course, the minions are rarely to blame for the actual fall of their lord. A lot of them have made mistakes, and much too many are actually switching sides. Ugh, Overlords going good, it's horrible.
Minions should make sure that their overlord is truly evil first, and then do everything they can to help ensure their lord’s success.

One common instance I have found leading to one’s demise can be easily fixed. A minion should take these steps. When their master’s arch nemesis is in the cell block, stay awake, make sure that there are no objects with which the prisoner can hook the keys off the wall (not like they should be hanging on the wall anyways. They should be a ways away, in the master lockbox, in possession of a diligent and wise minion, or similar.), and do not listen to or believe their pitiful sob story of a troubled life with no parents, etc. and any other heartstrings way of getting away.

Note to Minions: If you haven’t already figured this out, when said arch nemesis is released from his cell for any reason, he will, understandably, go to silence to the guard.

Other general tips include; if there are not regular training exercises, try to find a way to start one.

 

On patrols, if you hear a strange noise, inform the head of your department as to what you heard and where you heard it. Try to find the safest way to investigate. Same goes for if your patrol partner suddenly goes missing. Though, if he does go missing, hit the alarm immediately. If YOU’RE the one that gets picked up by one of the hero’s gang, screaming is probably the best you can do other than taking a shot at them. Screaming will tell your partner to hit the alarm. Constantly practice your aim and overall skill with ranged and close-range weapons too. A well-practiced mind and trigger finger are key to being promoted.
 

Simply, read Peter’s Overlord list, it is a huge help to Overlord and Minion alike.

Minions, be as productive as possible, only object to small matters when your lord is in a good mood unless you are his trusted lieutenant. Help him in what ways you can, make smart decisions, and ALWAYS be diligent.

Guest Speaker,
Kain A. Eralf,
Overlord

The Golden Rule

I've heard two versions of the Golden Rule.

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

And the golden rule of "Whoever has the gold makes the rules."

Yes, I am aware that quoting a children's movie perhaps is not the best way to show how evil you are. But let's be fair about it! Those classic villains are the ones who modeled the later term of evil.

I mean, the classical children's stories modeled how to be an Overlord and still have fun.

But there's something to consider about those classical minions. For example, why are they all so stupid?

Let's face it, people, we aren't exactly known for our brains. We aren't stupid, but so many of our most famous members are. Most minions aren't stupid, but we still hear about Hotep and Huy. Most people aren't stupid, but we still hear about the Kardashians. Idiots will always be heard of.

Why are minions always  thought of as the idiots? In the past, I have told you that it's best to seem like an idiot at all times, particularly if you're a Vicious Thug or a Cowering Sycophant.

Perhaps, though, the time has come to destroy these stereotypes. Why not introduce the world to a new breed of minions - the smart ones?

So the next time your Overlord commands you to, say, patrol around a dark warehouse in some kind of port to guard his object of power when you know there is a troop of ninjas after it, why don't you suggest he simply move it to a discreet bank somewhere?

Yeah, you might get killed, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

It's time people realized that just because we aren't Overlords does NOT mean we are stupid. So next time you get the chance, prove it.

~Headmistress Darke

How To Respond to Humiliation, Or, My Overlord Has No Ego

Oh, there are all sorts of terrible things that could happen to you if you try to protest against stupid requests or humiliating rebukes. For example, you might find yourself several feet from your head.

At times when he is stressed, your Overlord may tell you to do something you'd rather not; kneel, perhaps, or bring him coffee. He might even throw wine/coffee/drink of his choice in your face or spill something purposefully and  order you to clean it up. How do you respond in situations like these? Where do you draw your line?

As a minion, there should be no line to draw. Your job is to do whatever he wants, whether it be fight off a hero's sidekick or stand there like a pillar while he laughs at you. But in reality, there are indeed things that you should draw the line at.

For example, you should never - and I repeat, NEVER, sweep the castle floor. That may sound obvious, especially if you are a hulking thug. But washing windows or beating carpets - well, that is the ultimate sign that you are not appreciated. When you are told to do the laundry, you aren't a minion; you are a servant, and that is Not a Good Thing.

But what to do in order to gain more respect?

Well, there are obvious things. For example, you could simply flee. If you are not respected enough, then the Overlord will not attempt to track you down. He'll hate you, maybe. But not bother with you any more. You might even try joining the hero, or finding a new Overlord.

What about being told to call your Overlord Master, Mistress, Supreme Excellency, etc.?

Well, do it. Same with kneeling. This shows that your Overlord is experiencing insecurities. That is a dangerous thing. It means he will try to prove something. So cower in fear if you need to; keep him feeling good about himself.

The normal way to show your submission is to avert your eyes and look scared. If you're really worried about the instability of your Overlord's ego, then try kneeling when you see him. Call him master if you need to.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is that minions do not have pride. So just give it up. The Overlord's ego should flourish; yours should shrivel up.