What goes around comes around

When I was younger I had no idea what that phrase meant. It was something my parents said, but let's be honest about this - at that age, when your parents talk, it all comes out as "ner ner ner."

But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.

People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.

For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.

Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?

Because if so, I would advise not  getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.

What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.

The Little things in Life

I was just thinking, today, about all the little things we minions are not credited with.

Well, there's the obvious things, of course; the fact that we're the only ones who get anything done, the way we spend our whole lives (often not a great period of time, I might add) serving our Overlords, the way we're so good at oiling the trap door hinges.

But there are all sorts of things we don't receive proper recognition for. Let's look at some of those, shall we?

Style! That's actually a large one. We're expected to maintain certain standards of dress and speech - for example, how do you think those hulking thugs got so good at grunting? Practice, of course.

The style of the minion defines them. As I've mentioned before, to be a good minion, you usually have to place yourself in one of the categories (thug, secretary, guard #27, etc.) and it takes work to achieve that status. For example, the thug has to learn to scuff up his shoes before wearing them, and the sycophant - do you think it's easy to spend that much time thinking up compliments?

Weapons training. Oh, that takes time. And again, as a matter of style you have to chose the perfect weapon for your class.

Humility. The whole point of being a minion is to publicly admit that you have no interest in taking over the world (whether that's true or not is up to you). You have to accept the fact that you'll be scorned and laughed at, and accused of having no ambition. You may even be imprisoned or otherwise punished for something you didn't do because you're a convenient scapegoat.

Sheer mundane work. Do you think an Overlord matches his own socks up? Or vacuums his own evil lair? Or throws his own corpses into the moat? I think not. Even if you hate cooking, cleaning, or disposing of evidence, you do it anyway, because it's your job.

Bills and taxes. Of course, if your Overlord has already taken over the world, it's not that big a deal. You can hire your own minions to do the math. However, for most of us, it's more difficult. Your wanna-be Overlord has to purchase all those death ray components and hire all those minions, and who ends up having to figure up where to get the funds? You do, of course. Well, if you're a hulking thug you may get out of that. But for everyone else, you're out of luck. Bring a calculator.

~Headmistress Darke

Something to Avoid, Part 1

This is a very important subject for those of you who are dumb enough to become hulking thugs (not that all thugs are dumb, of course - just most). If you aren't incredibly dumb, you probably don't need to read this, but I suggest you do anyway.

Don't fall in love with your boss. He is evil.

I mean, please. 

How often has it happened? The minion falls in love with the Overlord, and serves him all the more willingly for it.

Let's face facts, people. If you think the Overlord is falling in love with you, you are being manipulated. Anyone ever watched, for example Harry Potter?

Or perhaps Doctor Who?

What do Chip and Bellatrix have in common?

They fell in love with their master/mistress. And what happened? Why, they died. They were merely pawns. Valuable pawns, perhaps, but pawns nonetheless.

It's happened countless times, people. And when has it actually ended well?

Given a choice on this blog, I will always give advice for the minion's benefit, not the Overlord's (unless they are the same at the time). So believe me when I tell you that this is a stupid idea.

Please excuse the little rant.

Homework: Give me more examples of stupid minions falling for their Overlords/masters/mistresses.

~Headmistress Darke

For those suffering from stress...

You should try this. 

Evil Link Here

I actually preferred it when it was shaped like a giant, red, explosion-causing button - but it still performs the same function. It's for those select few Overlords who cannot laugh evilly without assistance. It also is a very good stress reliever for minions.

Just press it a few dozen times and wait for the cares of the day to melt away!

~Headmistress Darke

Weaponry

I apologize, my loyal minions (or I would, if I really cared) about my silence these past few weeks. I'd give an excuse, but I was just too busy to think of one.

Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.

Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.

A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.

Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.

As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.

But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.

Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?


Glad to hear it.


Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.

~Headmistress Darke

And a Happy (but not entirely) New Year

Well, 2012 is pretty much over and done. For some, this may be a good thing, others, not so much. I don't really care.

I'm feeling pretty good about the upcoming year, actually. For starters, it's 2013. Emphasis on the 13. Lucky number, right? Or not...

So, what are you going to do this upcoming year? Any great resolutions to fail to keep? Perhaps you have plans to stop drinking coffee or lose twenty pounds or destroy the earth using a gigantic superlaser from outer-space.

These are all good and respectable goals, but we have to be realistic: There's no way you're ever going to  lay off the coffee.

Choosing a new year's resolution can be very good for you. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment from failing to honor you resolution. It will make you a much better minion, too. All Overlords look for minions with low self-esteem.

For example, this year one of my many resolutions (I never make less than two. That way it drags out the pain.) is to keep a journal. The reason? Well, for Christmas I received a copy of the Diary of River Song. That way I can keep records of my evildoings in a physical journal instead of the internet.

The trick to choosing a resolution is to make it possible. It's no good if it's totally unobtainable - if you fail, it should be your own fault. That said, sometimes through sheer force of will, you can actually achieve your goal.

For example, a reasonable idea would be to donate all your to assorted minion-related schools. Or perhaps just devote your time to creating dozens of blogger accounts and using them to become scores of duplicate students and give me lots of views.  But those are just ideas.

And Now a Word From Our Sponser

Interestingly enough, my Overlord has just discovered this blog and has graciously volunteered to give his own views on minionship. I might consider protesting, except he provides my paycheck. So without further ado, a guest blog post from Overlord Kain Eralf.

 

"I agree with Miss Darke, the quality of minions is going down, in overall performance, and just the common sense that one has, well should have, when in such an occupation.

As an Overlord, it is our duty to properly train our minions, and train them well; however, many of us are ignoring this responsibility, which is why, so far, we have all failed. Of course, the minions are rarely to blame for the actual fall of their lord. A lot of them have made mistakes, and much too many are actually switching sides. Ugh, Overlords going good, it's horrible.
Minions should make sure that their overlord is truly evil first, and then do everything they can to help ensure their lord’s success.

One common instance I have found leading to one’s demise can be easily fixed. A minion should take these steps. When their master’s arch nemesis is in the cell block, stay awake, make sure that there are no objects with which the prisoner can hook the keys off the wall (not like they should be hanging on the wall anyways. They should be a ways away, in the master lockbox, in possession of a diligent and wise minion, or similar.), and do not listen to or believe their pitiful sob story of a troubled life with no parents, etc. and any other heartstrings way of getting away.

Note to Minions: If you haven’t already figured this out, when said arch nemesis is released from his cell for any reason, he will, understandably, go to silence to the guard.

Other general tips include; if there are not regular training exercises, try to find a way to start one.

 

On patrols, if you hear a strange noise, inform the head of your department as to what you heard and where you heard it. Try to find the safest way to investigate. Same goes for if your patrol partner suddenly goes missing. Though, if he does go missing, hit the alarm immediately. If YOU’RE the one that gets picked up by one of the hero’s gang, screaming is probably the best you can do other than taking a shot at them. Screaming will tell your partner to hit the alarm. Constantly practice your aim and overall skill with ranged and close-range weapons too. A well-practiced mind and trigger finger are key to being promoted.
 

Simply, read Peter’s Overlord list, it is a huge help to Overlord and Minion alike.

Minions, be as productive as possible, only object to small matters when your lord is in a good mood unless you are his trusted lieutenant. Help him in what ways you can, make smart decisions, and ALWAYS be diligent.

Guest Speaker,
Kain A. Eralf,
Overlord