I'm sure all low-ranking minions can remember fondly the feeling of trudging in the ranks of an army of terror, while your Overlord rode in style on the popular vehicle of his choice and time. While he simply lounges in his vehicle, possibly watching videos of the most amusing times his minions have died, you are ankle deep in sludge, carrying weapons on your back, and trying to think happy thoughts (although I would not recommend mentioning this to your Overlord. Happy thoughts are neither encouraged nor acceptable for a minion. Try thinking about kicking puppies and stealing candy from small children instead).
This, however, needn't be as uncomfortable as it sounds.
For example, it is unlikely that you are under much supervision at this time. The highest ranking minions will also not be trudging, though they won't be in the limo with the overlord (personally, I hear unicycles are a trendy option, although most end up in vehicles that are not powered by themselves).
Since you aren't going to be watched by your superiors at all times, there are definitely things you can get away with. I recommend coughing up some of your pathetic salary for an iPod or Mp3 player. If you think you're going to get caught, hide it under your uniform. It's easier if you have long hair or a hood to hide the earbuds with. Be sure to keep the volume low enough that you can hear in case anyone screams at you.
Thermal underwear is another good idea when you're trudging in cold weather. It's thin enough that it can hide under your uniform relatively simply, provided you aren't the sort of minion wearing skintight leather - which really is highly impractical.
Good boots are also a necessity. Even when trudging a short distance, hiking boots will significantly decrease blisters and sores.
Drink plenty of water. If your Overlord is particularly theatrical, then he will undoubtedly want evil cheers/jeers when you encounter the opposing forces.
Sing-alongs while on the road are not recommended. Overlords are tetchy, and you don't want to be known as someone spreading cheer among the ranks.
Stay comfortable, my loyal students, and remember that going to war is a serious business. I cannot urge you strongly enough to keep your head down (but not too far down or you'll end up with a neck-ache) and do not make trouble while on the road, because while normally this would earn you a mere flogging, on the move things are much more serious. So trudge, don't prance, and above all, maintain a shielding level of cynicism.
Homework assignment: What is the fashion in which to carry one's self while trudging?
~Headmistress Darke
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Interrogation Etiquette (Part 2)
This is a continuation of the previous discussion on interrogation room procedures. Please, read the other lesson here.
This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.
1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.
2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.
3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.
4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.
5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.
6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.
And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.
Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.
~Headmistress Darke
This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.
1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.
2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.
3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.
4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.
5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.
6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.
And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.
Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.
~Headmistress Darke
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)
A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.
However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.
I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:
1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.
This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.
2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.
For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.
3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.
This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).
4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.
You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.
5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.
Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.
6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.
Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all. Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.
Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.
This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.
~Headmistress Darke
However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.
I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:
1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.
This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.
2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.
For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.
3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.
This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).
4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.
You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.
5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.
Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.
6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.
Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all. Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.
Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.
This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.
~Headmistress Darke
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Welcome to Moira Darke's School for Minions
The school term is a tad difficult when you live my life. Combined with trying to undermine the political situation to make it simpler for my Overlord to take over the world, building death rays, laser beams, freeze rays, etc., and of course trying to maintain this faculty of one.
Over the past few months, this has taken its toll on the school. The few lessons you have received have not been up to the usual standards of the school.
Note: I am considering hiring my own minions to write the lessons. It would save a considerable amount of time, and I'm sure you wouldn't notice any change in quality. Probably.
So I ask you to think of the past few months as a holiday, a late summer vacation - because we are back in business.
That is all.
~Headmistress Darke
Over the past few months, this has taken its toll on the school. The few lessons you have received have not been up to the usual standards of the school.
Note: I am considering hiring my own minions to write the lessons. It would save a considerable amount of time, and I'm sure you wouldn't notice any change in quality. Probably.
So I ask you to think of the past few months as a holiday, a late summer vacation - because we are back in business.
That is all.
~Headmistress Darke
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)
Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
What We Do
Ethical Evil is an oxymoron, of course, and the purpose of this academy is not to teach you how to become a hero (although I'm sure you'll find some sort of instruction on that. It's a more more socially acceptable subject).
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Rally
Some weeks ago, I was approached by Megan S, of Stellar Four, and asked whether I would like to do guest blog post on the topic of evil.
Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.
If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.
Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.
If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.
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