How to Keep From Being Smote

Dying is, obviously, not desirable. If it is desirable, then you're not cut out for this line of work. So now it's time to address one of the key concerns among potential minions - what assurance of survival do you have?

I believe in honesty at all times except when inconvenient, so I am going to tell you the truth now: None at all. There is every likelihood that you could be killed by your Overlord without so much as a sympathetic glance or a paid funeral.

I'm sure most of these rules are obvious, but I'll tell you them anyway. I'd hate for you to have a gap in your education, and, consequently, a gap in your vital organs. So pay close attention to what I am going to tell you.

1. Don't ever be anything less than perfect. There will always be someone to blame for your mistakes.

2: Suppose the hero has just defeated your Overlord's forces at the nearest city. Things aren't looking good for your career. You have been tasked with carrying this dreadful news to your Overlord. What do you do? Answer: Make someone else do it. Don't deliver bad news. If you have to, skip town and let someone else tell the Overlord. As mentioned on Evil Minions, an email or letter is a perfectly acceptable alternative. It's not completely safe, I grant you, but it's better than being in smite range.

(Note: What precisely is a smite? Or, in the past tense, a smote? A smite is the act of killing your enemies with a single blow. In Overlord talk, it is the act of ultimate revenge, and often pettiness.)

3: This is a classic, and again mentioned on Evil Minions. The attractive, heroic member of the opposite gender? He or she is not really interested in you, and you should not allow him/her access to any important files. Not only will they likely kill you, but you will definitely lose your job. You may also lose your head.

4: Don't eat or drink anything while on guard duty. Also, when monitoring security cameras, pay attention to the screen. If, at regular intervals of time (ten seconds is the norm) the screen flickers slightly, then you are being fed a loop and the heroes are invading. Don't trust the screen.

5: The Overlord will kill you if you hurt his family. Please note that I make no claims that the Overlord cares for his family - but he'll kill you simply out of principle.

6: You know the giant red button that says "DO NOT PUSH?" Every Overlord has one. Don't push it. This may seem like a given, but let's not take chances here, all right?

7: Sometimes you are asked to take care of menial tasks such as delivering coffee to the Overlord. Don't protest; this is just asking for a smite. Also, make sure you have practice as a waiter/waitress because spilling coffee on the Overlord is a sure sign of doom.

Bear in mind that these are simply ways to avoid getting smote by the Overlord. They do not apply to combat, wars, giant-killer-moths-of-doom (you'd be surprised how often that happens) or attack by hero.


~Headmistress Darke