Why You Shouldn't Trust Your Co-workers

Or your friends in general.

Oh, don't get me wrong; friendship is fine. Romance is fine. Rivalry is expected and fine. But oh, dear fellow minions, don't try trust anyone.

The whole point of being a minion is to someday be an Overlord. Oh, that's optional, of course. But if you display a lack of ambition, then you'll surely be replaced. No, it is best to at least act as if power is tempting. Besides, Overlords want minions who can be easily manipulated.

That doesn't mean you have to be a weak-minded fool.

You just have to look like one.

Your fellow minions will be strong competition. If you are particularly high on the rank list, then you will undoubtedly be the target of assassination attempts.

So here are some tips for avoiding, in the words of the Clockwork Quartet, "A messy and permanent stop."

Do not accept food or drink from anyone except the Overlord or the grocery store. Yes, there is a chance that the shopkeeper wants to kill you too, or the Overlord will kill you on a whim, but it's safer than going to the pub with some other, slightly lower rank, minion who will slip poison into your beer.

Don't ever be alone with someone who hates you. This may seem obvious, but it's a common mistake.

Always carry a weapon unless this is expressly forbidden. No matter how small - from a letter-opener to a chainsaw - anything that can protect you in freak circumstances is valuable.

Try and avoid being selected to accompany the Overlord on journeys that require teaming up with the heroes. Why? Because you are automatically the red shirt. Every watch National Treasure? First or second? You're going to die.

(Note: A "red shirt" is a Star Trek term, in reference to the fact that the character who dies in the beginning of every episode usually wears a red shirt.)

The sad truth of the matter is, you are always in danger from your friends. Never trust them. Enjoy their company, accept their words as truth with possible exceptions, but don't allow them to betray you. It'll go better for everyone if you stay alive.

At least, for yourself. And that's what counts

~Headmistress Darke