the Etiquette of Understatement

This is, my apprentice minions, yet another lesson discussing the basics of Overlord/Minion relationships and manners.

Something that has recently been brought to my attention is the growing concern that too much of minionhood is about simply avoiding death and dodging hero attacks. But we cannot all be action heroes; for a start, nothing would actually get done.

 Obsidian fortresses of death are all well and good, but who sweeps the floor? Who cleans the torture rooms? Who brings the Overlord coffee and then washes the dishes?

To be honest, the concise answer is this: you do.

Or rather, not you personally (if you do, you may consider a different Overlord). This school's curriculum is geared towards those who are not simply minions, but are the head of minions. Consider yourself the butler. You do the tasks that require interaction with the Overlord, and you delegate the others to minions lower on the ladder of command (in general, when minioning, the easiest position is at the head of the ladder, and the safest is just below that).

For example, you will bring the Overlord coffee (for the record, my current Overlord prefers hot chocolate. If I mysteriously stop posting after this, I have probably been smote by his evil wrath. It will certainly prove whether or not he reads this blog. Likewise, the other Overlord who works with the firsts Overlord - they're Co-verlords - prefers gummy bears).

Besides bringing the Overlord the favored beverage of his choice, you will also undoubtedly be the one chauffeuring him to all his evil appointments like the nuclear warhead shop and the company that he plans on blackmailing into funding his excursions to the nuclear warhead shop. You'd be surprised how expensive taking over the world can be.

And where are you during these negotiations? Why, you are nowhere at all. You are simply standing discreetly behind your Overlord, carrying whatever paperwork or deadly weapons he made need, and not saying a word.*

Likewise, when cleaning the evil fortress, you must make sure to never be obvious while doing so. It's fine to be sweeping the floor in the background, but not while the Overlord is entertaining guests or possibly torturing them.

You must also make sure that your methods of hiding in plain sight, so to speak, means that you will rarely be noticed even by the Overlord. For example, if the hero mysteriously escapes his prison, chances are quite evil (the word good was not appropriate here) that your Overlord will fly into a rage and want someone to murder brutally. It is advisable that it isn't you.

This is why a uniform for the staff is a good idea. If every single person in the fortress and the evil army is wearing something identical, and the Overlord is the only person singled out, you stand a much better chance of avoiding the notice of people who wish to do harm.

Keep out of the Overlord's way, and clean up his messes. That is the duty you have gotten yourself into.

~Headmistress Darke

*

Side note: The exception to this rule is, of course, to the hulking thug variety of minion, who must look as indiscreet as possible. He needs to be noticed (I here say he, because the hulking thug is hardly ever female). The trouble he has, however, is looking terrifying while not washing out the Overlord's aura of evil menace.