To begin with, I wish to inform you that there will be a slight Christmas break, although I cannot guarantee that lessons will not begin sporadically again on Christmas Eve, or day, or possibly even tomorrow. It depends when inspiration hits.
Evil waits for no one, after all.
Well, that's a slight lie. It'll be waiting on Christmas day, ironically because I'm going to be at church. The amusement this causes does not escape me.
Please excuse me while I slip out of character.
Anyway, the plans for 2014 (dang. What happened to 2012? I'm too young for it to be 2014!) are as follows.
So I say, to all one of you reading this... Yes, I know you're there. Watching, always watching... You're evil. Well, I mean, obviously not evil enough or you wouldn't be reading this, but...
There is a slight possibility of an official comic involving the story of Moira Darke (or more specifically, the Co-verlords. This may make sense, if I actually get around to it).
The blog will, of course, continue to be updated. Hopefully more regularly, but I've promised you this before so clearly you cannot trust my word on anything.
With any luck, the upcoming blog posts will also involve art of some sort to, aha, illustrate my point. No more endless blocks of text. You're welcome.
I am also contemplating the possibility of recruiting one of the local Overlords to begin his own blog of instructions. Perhaps I'll even get the hero to do it. As far as I'm aware, we don't have any sidekicks around here, but I'm sure I could scrounge something up. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.
So there you have it. You also have your first time talking to me and not to Moira Darke. I also feel the need (it's that bloody Christmas Spirit thing, isn't it...? Fortunately, I am immune) to remind readers that I am, in fact, not evil, and you probably shouldn't be unless you're really, really good at it and promise to give me Australia and Hokkaido when you take over the world.
Happy Christmas
-Me
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Professional Arrogance
An interesting question of evil etiquette (no, it is not an oxymoron) has arisen lately.
How does one handle one's self in the undesirable position of being in the presence of a hero in a non-combat appropriate situation?
You would be surprised how often this happens. For example, quite often the hero and the Overlord are related or grew up together or otherwise were familiar with each other before this whole "evil" business started. What this invariably means is that there are going to be times when they cannot avoid each other, and cannot actively attempt to kill one another.
I grant you, these times are very rare and only effect Overlords who are not, in fact, Overlords at all - rather aspiring Overlords. Overlords who have successfully dominated the world rarely need to worry about social obligations.
But you as a minion do not have that luxury, and most aspiring Overlords don't either.
The first thing to remember, obviously enough, is not to start shooting (as tempting as it may be). This also applies to you Overlords out there.
Occasionally you will simply run into an opponent. If your Overlord is not present, you have a few decisions to make. For starters: Could you, in theory, take this enemy on in a fight?
If the answer is no, do whatever it takes to avoid fighting. Surrender, if you have to.
Or talk.
Obviously if you are in a public location with no hope of defeating the hero, fighting is not an acceptable answer. I recommend speaking with the respect of one working stiff to another. You are, as they say, off the clock. This may even be the correct time to learn important information about the hero through observation in a non-combat situation (something that, as a minion, you very rarely experience).
Alternately you could simply dodge behind the nearest tree, shelf, building or person and try to avoid eye contact. That works too.
~Headmistress Darke
How does one handle one's self in the undesirable position of being in the presence of a hero in a non-combat appropriate situation?
You would be surprised how often this happens. For example, quite often the hero and the Overlord are related or grew up together or otherwise were familiar with each other before this whole "evil" business started. What this invariably means is that there are going to be times when they cannot avoid each other, and cannot actively attempt to kill one another.
I grant you, these times are very rare and only effect Overlords who are not, in fact, Overlords at all - rather aspiring Overlords. Overlords who have successfully dominated the world rarely need to worry about social obligations.
But you as a minion do not have that luxury, and most aspiring Overlords don't either.
The first thing to remember, obviously enough, is not to start shooting (as tempting as it may be). This also applies to you Overlords out there.
Occasionally you will simply run into an opponent. If your Overlord is not present, you have a few decisions to make. For starters: Could you, in theory, take this enemy on in a fight?
If the answer is no, do whatever it takes to avoid fighting. Surrender, if you have to.
Or talk.
Obviously if you are in a public location with no hope of defeating the hero, fighting is not an acceptable answer. I recommend speaking with the respect of one working stiff to another. You are, as they say, off the clock. This may even be the correct time to learn important information about the hero through observation in a non-combat situation (something that, as a minion, you very rarely experience).
Alternately you could simply dodge behind the nearest tree, shelf, building or person and try to avoid eye contact. That works too.
~Headmistress Darke
Monday, December 9, 2013
the Etiquette of Understatement
This is, my apprentice minions, yet another lesson discussing the basics of Overlord/Minion relationships and manners.
Something that has recently been brought to my attention is the growing concern that too much of minionhood is about simply avoiding death and dodging hero attacks. But we cannot all be action heroes; for a start, nothing would actually get done.
Obsidian fortresses of death are all well and good, but who sweeps the floor? Who cleans the torture rooms? Who brings the Overlord coffee and then washes the dishes?
To be honest, the concise answer is this: you do.
Or rather, not you personally (if you do, you may consider a different Overlord). This school's curriculum is geared towards those who are not simply minions, but are the head of minions. Consider yourself the butler. You do the tasks that require interaction with the Overlord, and you delegate the others to minions lower on the ladder of command (in general, when minioning, the easiest position is at the head of the ladder, and the safest is just below that).
For example, you will bring the Overlord coffee (for the record, my current Overlord prefers hot chocolate. If I mysteriously stop posting after this, I have probably been smote by his evil wrath. It will certainly prove whether or not he reads this blog. Likewise, the other Overlord who works with the firsts Overlord - they're Co-verlords - prefers gummy bears).
Something that has recently been brought to my attention is the growing concern that too much of minionhood is about simply avoiding death and dodging hero attacks. But we cannot all be action heroes; for a start, nothing would actually get done.
Obsidian fortresses of death are all well and good, but who sweeps the floor? Who cleans the torture rooms? Who brings the Overlord coffee and then washes the dishes?
To be honest, the concise answer is this: you do.
Or rather, not you personally (if you do, you may consider a different Overlord). This school's curriculum is geared towards those who are not simply minions, but are the head of minions. Consider yourself the butler. You do the tasks that require interaction with the Overlord, and you delegate the others to minions lower on the ladder of command (in general, when minioning, the easiest position is at the head of the ladder, and the safest is just below that).
For example, you will bring the Overlord coffee (for the record, my current Overlord prefers hot chocolate. If I mysteriously stop posting after this, I have probably been smote by his evil wrath. It will certainly prove whether or not he reads this blog. Likewise, the other Overlord who works with the firsts Overlord - they're Co-verlords - prefers gummy bears).
Besides bringing the Overlord the favored beverage of his choice, you will also undoubtedly be the one chauffeuring him to all his evil appointments like the nuclear warhead shop and the company that he plans on blackmailing into funding his excursions to the nuclear warhead shop. You'd be surprised how expensive taking over the world can be.
And where are you during these negotiations? Why, you are nowhere at all. You are simply standing discreetly behind your Overlord, carrying whatever paperwork or deadly weapons he made need, and not saying a word.*
Likewise, when cleaning the evil fortress, you must make sure to never be obvious while doing so. It's fine to be sweeping the floor in the background, but not while the Overlord is entertaining guests or possibly torturing them.
You must also make sure that your methods of hiding in plain sight, so to speak, means that you will rarely be noticed even by the Overlord. For example, if the hero mysteriously escapes his prison, chances are quite evil (the word good was not appropriate here) that your Overlord will fly into a rage and want someone to murder brutally. It is advisable that it isn't you.
This is why a uniform for the staff is a good idea. If every single person in the fortress and the evil army is wearing something identical, and the Overlord is the only person singled out, you stand a much better chance of avoiding the notice of people who wish to do harm.
Keep out of the Overlord's way, and clean up his messes. That is the duty you have gotten yourself into.
~Headmistress Darke
*
Side note: The exception to this rule is, of course, to the hulking thug
variety of minion, who must look as indiscreet as possible. He needs to
be noticed (I here say he, because the hulking thug is hardly ever
female). The trouble he has, however, is looking terrifying while not
washing out the Overlord's aura of evil menace.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
What is a Bad Idea?
Simple pieces of wisdom:
It's a Bad Idea if:
You are drunk when you conceive it. Minions who drink excessively do not become Overlords. If you and your minion buddies have been having a few rounds and suddenly you realize that you're still holding your Overlord's Giant, Red, End-of-theWorld button, and you think, Hey, I bet pressing this would be really cool! then you are the victim of a Bad Idea.
It is a Bad Idea if every person says it is. If you cannot get even one person to tell you it's a Good Idea, then it's not. If every person says it's a bad idea, it does not mean that every person on earth is crazy (although this is occasionally true). It means you are wrong.
If it involves lots of explosives and destruction, it's probably a Bad Idea. Don't blow anything up unless you're sure it's a Good Idea (see the first two paragraphs above).
It is a Bad Idea if you will be put in jail by both the Hero and the Overlord for doing it. This includes trying to destroy the world, and trying to kill their parents (have you noticed how often the hero and the overlord are related? It's more often than you would think).
And most importantly, it's a Bad Idea if you think it is. Please, minions, a degree of common sense. Try and think things through before carrying them out. As always, the best defense against stupidity is yourself.
~Headmistress Darke
It's a Bad Idea if:
You are drunk when you conceive it. Minions who drink excessively do not become Overlords. If you and your minion buddies have been having a few rounds and suddenly you realize that you're still holding your Overlord's Giant, Red, End-of-theWorld button, and you think, Hey, I bet pressing this would be really cool! then you are the victim of a Bad Idea.
It is a Bad Idea if every person says it is. If you cannot get even one person to tell you it's a Good Idea, then it's not. If every person says it's a bad idea, it does not mean that every person on earth is crazy (although this is occasionally true). It means you are wrong.
If it involves lots of explosives and destruction, it's probably a Bad Idea. Don't blow anything up unless you're sure it's a Good Idea (see the first two paragraphs above).
It is a Bad Idea if you will be put in jail by both the Hero and the Overlord for doing it. This includes trying to destroy the world, and trying to kill their parents (have you noticed how often the hero and the overlord are related? It's more often than you would think).
And most importantly, it's a Bad Idea if you think it is. Please, minions, a degree of common sense. Try and think things through before carrying them out. As always, the best defense against stupidity is yourself.
~Headmistress Darke
Thursday, December 5, 2013
When Captive
There are many times in the life of a head minion that one finds one's self in a situation less than pleasing. Occasionally it's something like the dishwasher breaking down or accidentally causing the end of civilization as we know it or the Overlord beating you over the head with his Scepter of Evil Destiny.
But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.
This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.
When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.
The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.
Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.
Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.
Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.
Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.
Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.
The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.
If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.
While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.
Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.
The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.
And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.
Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.
~Headmistress Darke
But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.
This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.
When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.
The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.
Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.
Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.
Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.
Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.
Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.
The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.
If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.
While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.
Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.
The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.
And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.
Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.
~Headmistress Darke
The Art of Trudgery
I'm sure all low-ranking minions can remember fondly the feeling of trudging in the ranks of an army of terror, while your Overlord rode in style on the popular vehicle of his choice and time. While he simply lounges in his vehicle, possibly watching videos of the most amusing times his minions have died, you are ankle deep in sludge, carrying weapons on your back, and trying to think happy thoughts (although I would not recommend mentioning this to your Overlord. Happy thoughts are neither encouraged nor acceptable for a minion. Try thinking about kicking puppies and stealing candy from small children instead).
This, however, needn't be as uncomfortable as it sounds.
For example, it is unlikely that you are under much supervision at this time. The highest ranking minions will also not be trudging, though they won't be in the limo with the overlord (personally, I hear unicycles are a trendy option, although most end up in vehicles that are not powered by themselves).
Since you aren't going to be watched by your superiors at all times, there are definitely things you can get away with. I recommend coughing up some of your pathetic salary for an iPod or Mp3 player. If you think you're going to get caught, hide it under your uniform. It's easier if you have long hair or a hood to hide the earbuds with. Be sure to keep the volume low enough that you can hear in case anyone screams at you.
Thermal underwear is another good idea when you're trudging in cold weather. It's thin enough that it can hide under your uniform relatively simply, provided you aren't the sort of minion wearing skintight leather - which really is highly impractical.
Good boots are also a necessity. Even when trudging a short distance, hiking boots will significantly decrease blisters and sores.
Drink plenty of water. If your Overlord is particularly theatrical, then he will undoubtedly want evil cheers/jeers when you encounter the opposing forces.
Sing-alongs while on the road are not recommended. Overlords are tetchy, and you don't want to be known as someone spreading cheer among the ranks.
Stay comfortable, my loyal students, and remember that going to war is a serious business. I cannot urge you strongly enough to keep your head down (but not too far down or you'll end up with a neck-ache) and do not make trouble while on the road, because while normally this would earn you a mere flogging, on the move things are much more serious. So trudge, don't prance, and above all, maintain a shielding level of cynicism.
Homework assignment: What is the fashion in which to carry one's self while trudging?
~Headmistress Darke
This, however, needn't be as uncomfortable as it sounds.
For example, it is unlikely that you are under much supervision at this time. The highest ranking minions will also not be trudging, though they won't be in the limo with the overlord (personally, I hear unicycles are a trendy option, although most end up in vehicles that are not powered by themselves).
Since you aren't going to be watched by your superiors at all times, there are definitely things you can get away with. I recommend coughing up some of your pathetic salary for an iPod or Mp3 player. If you think you're going to get caught, hide it under your uniform. It's easier if you have long hair or a hood to hide the earbuds with. Be sure to keep the volume low enough that you can hear in case anyone screams at you.
Thermal underwear is another good idea when you're trudging in cold weather. It's thin enough that it can hide under your uniform relatively simply, provided you aren't the sort of minion wearing skintight leather - which really is highly impractical.
Good boots are also a necessity. Even when trudging a short distance, hiking boots will significantly decrease blisters and sores.
Drink plenty of water. If your Overlord is particularly theatrical, then he will undoubtedly want evil cheers/jeers when you encounter the opposing forces.
Sing-alongs while on the road are not recommended. Overlords are tetchy, and you don't want to be known as someone spreading cheer among the ranks.
Stay comfortable, my loyal students, and remember that going to war is a serious business. I cannot urge you strongly enough to keep your head down (but not too far down or you'll end up with a neck-ache) and do not make trouble while on the road, because while normally this would earn you a mere flogging, on the move things are much more serious. So trudge, don't prance, and above all, maintain a shielding level of cynicism.
Homework assignment: What is the fashion in which to carry one's self while trudging?
~Headmistress Darke
Monday, October 21, 2013
Interrogation Etiquette (Part 2)
This is a continuation of the previous discussion on interrogation room procedures. Please, read the other lesson here.
This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.
1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.
2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.
3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.
4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.
5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.
6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.
And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.
Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.
~Headmistress Darke
This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.
1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.
2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.
3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.
4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.
5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.
6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.
And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.
Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.
~Headmistress Darke
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)
A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.
However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.
I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:
1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.
This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.
2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.
For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.
3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.
This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).
4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.
You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.
5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.
Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.
6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.
Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all. Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.
Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.
This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.
~Headmistress Darke
However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.
I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:
1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.
This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.
2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.
For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.
3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.
This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).
4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.
You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.
5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.
Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.
6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.
Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all. Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.
Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.
This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.
~Headmistress Darke
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Welcome to Moira Darke's School for Minions
The school term is a tad difficult when you live my life. Combined with trying to undermine the political situation to make it simpler for my Overlord to take over the world, building death rays, laser beams, freeze rays, etc., and of course trying to maintain this faculty of one.
Over the past few months, this has taken its toll on the school. The few lessons you have received have not been up to the usual standards of the school.
Note: I am considering hiring my own minions to write the lessons. It would save a considerable amount of time, and I'm sure you wouldn't notice any change in quality. Probably.
So I ask you to think of the past few months as a holiday, a late summer vacation - because we are back in business.
That is all.
~Headmistress Darke
Over the past few months, this has taken its toll on the school. The few lessons you have received have not been up to the usual standards of the school.
Note: I am considering hiring my own minions to write the lessons. It would save a considerable amount of time, and I'm sure you wouldn't notice any change in quality. Probably.
So I ask you to think of the past few months as a holiday, a late summer vacation - because we are back in business.
That is all.
~Headmistress Darke
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)
Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
What We Do
Ethical Evil is an oxymoron, of course, and the purpose of this academy is not to teach you how to become a hero (although I'm sure you'll find some sort of instruction on that. It's a more more socially acceptable subject).
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Rally
Some weeks ago, I was approached by Megan S, of Stellar Four, and asked whether I would like to do guest blog post on the topic of evil.
Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.
If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.
Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.
If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
A Thing to Consider, Part 2
The finish-up lesson from my previous post.
We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.
More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.
First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.
When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.
Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.
Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.
Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.
What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?
First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?
Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.
For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.
Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.
But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.
And now, go out and be terrible little minions.
~Headmistress Darke
We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.
More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.
First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.
When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.
Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.
Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.
Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.
What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?
First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?
Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.
For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.
Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.
But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.
And now, go out and be terrible little minions.
~Headmistress Darke
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A Thing to Consider, Part 1
Hello, my students.
You may have noticed my silence over these past few months. I will attempt to remedy this, not the least because someone actually left a comment, proving that, on occasion, people may actually read this. It may be because they heard about it from me, or decided for whatever reason to Google a cheap source of slave labor to build their death ray, or it may be because they just happened to click on the wrong link.
I don't care. Views are views.
Apologies over. Moving on...
The topic I've chosen to address in today's lesson is one that I may or may not have briefly addressed before, and that is this:
What is the proper etiquette for telling your Overlord that you wish to leave?
Of course, the easiest, and often safest way, is not to tell him at all. We will discuss this more in the second part of this class.
First of all, there are things to consider. Namely, why are you leaving in the first place?
Often the Overlord is simply insane. This is not necessarily a bad thing; most of the best villains are. However, if you begin to fear for your sanity - you are, simply put, in the wrong line of work.
Telling your Overlord this, though, if he is likely to go into a psychotic rage, can be an intimidating prospect. There are several ideal situations. For example, if I were faced with such a situation, my dialogue would probably go something like this, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett:
Hypothetical Me: "Permission to leave for grandmother's funeral?"
Hypothetical Overlord: "Why?"
Hypothetical Me: "It's her or me."
Or, if that sounds like the perfect way to get yourself smote, try simply lying and telling him you're going somewhere else.
You can also tell your Overlord exactly why you want to leave. Perhaps you'll catch him in a good mood, and he'll let you go with nothing but a generous severance package. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll catch him in a less good mood, and he'll let you go with a less-than-generous severance package (sometimes it's best not to imagine what precisely is being severed).
So honestly is not always the best policy.
Which brings us to another possible reason for your desire to leave evil service: Morals. Perhaps you have decided to leave because you don't feel comfortable serving evil any longer.
Leave immediately, and without any attempts to persuade your former Overlord from his wicked ways. There's plenty of time for that via email or long-distance phone calls. I will not address this very much, for the simple reason that chances of survival for you aren't so great.
Good luck, and this topic should return with the next lesson.
As always, go darken the world like a little shadow of evil.
~Headmistress Darke
You may have noticed my silence over these past few months. I will attempt to remedy this, not the least because someone actually left a comment, proving that, on occasion, people may actually read this. It may be because they heard about it from me, or decided for whatever reason to Google a cheap source of slave labor to build their death ray, or it may be because they just happened to click on the wrong link.
I don't care. Views are views.
Apologies over. Moving on...
The topic I've chosen to address in today's lesson is one that I may or may not have briefly addressed before, and that is this:
What is the proper etiquette for telling your Overlord that you wish to leave?
Of course, the easiest, and often safest way, is not to tell him at all. We will discuss this more in the second part of this class.
First of all, there are things to consider. Namely, why are you leaving in the first place?
Often the Overlord is simply insane. This is not necessarily a bad thing; most of the best villains are. However, if you begin to fear for your sanity - you are, simply put, in the wrong line of work.
Telling your Overlord this, though, if he is likely to go into a psychotic rage, can be an intimidating prospect. There are several ideal situations. For example, if I were faced with such a situation, my dialogue would probably go something like this, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett:
Hypothetical Me: "Permission to leave for grandmother's funeral?"
Hypothetical Overlord: "Why?"
Hypothetical Me: "It's her or me."
Or, if that sounds like the perfect way to get yourself smote, try simply lying and telling him you're going somewhere else.
You can also tell your Overlord exactly why you want to leave. Perhaps you'll catch him in a good mood, and he'll let you go with nothing but a generous severance package. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll catch him in a less good mood, and he'll let you go with a less-than-generous severance package (sometimes it's best not to imagine what precisely is being severed).
So honestly is not always the best policy.
Which brings us to another possible reason for your desire to leave evil service: Morals. Perhaps you have decided to leave because you don't feel comfortable serving evil any longer.
Leave immediately, and without any attempts to persuade your former Overlord from his wicked ways. There's plenty of time for that via email or long-distance phone calls. I will not address this very much, for the simple reason that chances of survival for you aren't so great.
Good luck, and this topic should return with the next lesson.
As always, go darken the world like a little shadow of evil.
~Headmistress Darke
Monday, June 24, 2013
....
http://www.lfgcomic.com/page/681/
At first I thought this was touching.
Then I wondered what was wrong with me.
At first I thought this was touching.
Then I wondered what was wrong with me.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
My, my... Some recognition at last.
Well, not personal recognition. I remain in delightful obscurity. Or less than delightful obscurity.
I am not bitter.
Much.
I had, in fact, been growing less interested in my beloved school. Evil seemed to leave me for these past months.... I have, for no reason beside a sunny day or a kind word from the strange creatures called friends, been feeling cheerful. Oh, woe is me; cheerful without even blowing anything up.
Until I was browsing the blog of Stellar Four, located at this link HERE, and saw their latest blog post, located at this link HERE. Thank you to the ladies at Stellar Four.
Their blog led me to Evil Supply Co. at this last link HERE where the first thing that caught my attention was that they have merit badges for Overlords - and for minions.
Yes, you heard that correctly. We have recognition! I mean, Overlords are always used to brushing minions aside until they need us to do some dirty word - and everyone thinks of us as less. I mean, I capitalize Overlord but not minion! Even I fall pray to the whims of society, such as it is.
But at least we have some recognition, and now the perfect way to show you are proud of being a minion is to go and proudly wear one of these badges on your Dark Robe of Evil.
(Of course, one might argue that you cannot wear an evil merit badge - or as I like to think of them, de-merit badges - unless you actually do recognize a hero in disguise or work with evil robots, but hey; you're evil.)
So go and spend any money you may or may not have (banks are usually a good place to start, and you've been dying to test out that new ray gun) on all sorts of lovely evil trinkets and cards from the site. While you're at it, be sure to check out Stellar Four, because I ripped off their blog post without permission and I do not want to be sued.
Note to Stellar Four: Please do not sue me. It has been established that I am mildly evil, but not deserving of any real punishment.
In fact, when it comes down to it, ripping off someone's blog is the most evil thing I've done in recent times.
And I even gave them credit, at what is PROBABLY THIS LAST LINK HERE.
I think I'll go slam my head against my desk a few times.
I am not bitter.
Much.
I had, in fact, been growing less interested in my beloved school. Evil seemed to leave me for these past months.... I have, for no reason beside a sunny day or a kind word from the strange creatures called friends, been feeling cheerful. Oh, woe is me; cheerful without even blowing anything up.
Until I was browsing the blog of Stellar Four, located at this link HERE, and saw their latest blog post, located at this link HERE. Thank you to the ladies at Stellar Four.
Their blog led me to Evil Supply Co. at this last link HERE where the first thing that caught my attention was that they have merit badges for Overlords - and for minions.
Yes, you heard that correctly. We have recognition! I mean, Overlords are always used to brushing minions aside until they need us to do some dirty word - and everyone thinks of us as less. I mean, I capitalize Overlord but not minion! Even I fall pray to the whims of society, such as it is.
But at least we have some recognition, and now the perfect way to show you are proud of being a minion is to go and proudly wear one of these badges on your Dark Robe of Evil.
(Of course, one might argue that you cannot wear an evil merit badge - or as I like to think of them, de-merit badges - unless you actually do recognize a hero in disguise or work with evil robots, but hey; you're evil.)
So go and spend any money you may or may not have (banks are usually a good place to start, and you've been dying to test out that new ray gun) on all sorts of lovely evil trinkets and cards from the site. While you're at it, be sure to check out Stellar Four, because I ripped off their blog post without permission and I do not want to be sued.
Note to Stellar Four: Please do not sue me. It has been established that I am mildly evil, but not deserving of any real punishment.
In fact, when it comes down to it, ripping off someone's blog is the most evil thing I've done in recent times.
And I even gave them credit, at what is PROBABLY THIS LAST LINK HERE.
I think I'll go slam my head against my desk a few times.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
What goes around comes around
When I was younger I had no idea what that phrase meant. It was something my parents said, but let's be honest about this - at that age, when your parents talk, it all comes out as "ner ner ner."
But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.
People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.
For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.
Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?
Because if so, I would advise not getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.
What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.
But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.
People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.
For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.
Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?
Because if so, I would advise not getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.
What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
The Little things in Life
I was just thinking, today, about all the little things we minions are not credited with.
Well, there's the obvious things, of course; the fact that we're the only ones who get anything done, the way we spend our whole lives (often not a great period of time, I might add) serving our Overlords, the way we're so good at oiling the trap door hinges.
But there are all sorts of things we don't receive proper recognition for. Let's look at some of those, shall we?
Style! That's actually a large one. We're expected to maintain certain standards of dress and speech - for example, how do you think those hulking thugs got so good at grunting? Practice, of course.
The style of the minion defines them. As I've mentioned before, to be a good minion, you usually have to place yourself in one of the categories (thug, secretary, guard #27, etc.) and it takes work to achieve that status. For example, the thug has to learn to scuff up his shoes before wearing them, and the sycophant - do you think it's easy to spend that much time thinking up compliments?
Weapons training. Oh, that takes time. And again, as a matter of style you have to chose the perfect weapon for your class.
Humility. The whole point of being a minion is to publicly admit that you have no interest in taking over the world (whether that's true or not is up to you). You have to accept the fact that you'll be scorned and laughed at, and accused of having no ambition. You may even be imprisoned or otherwise punished for something you didn't do because you're a convenient scapegoat.
Sheer mundane work. Do you think an Overlord matches his own socks up? Or vacuums his own evil lair? Or throws his own corpses into the moat? I think not. Even if you hate cooking, cleaning, or disposing of evidence, you do it anyway, because it's your job.
Bills and taxes. Of course, if your Overlord has already taken over the world, it's not that big a deal. You can hire your own minions to do the math. However, for most of us, it's more difficult. Your wanna-be Overlord has to purchase all those death ray components and hire all those minions, and who ends up having to figure up where to get the funds? You do, of course. Well, if you're a hulking thug you may get out of that. But for everyone else, you're out of luck. Bring a calculator.
~Headmistress Darke
Well, there's the obvious things, of course; the fact that we're the only ones who get anything done, the way we spend our whole lives (often not a great period of time, I might add) serving our Overlords, the way we're so good at oiling the trap door hinges.
But there are all sorts of things we don't receive proper recognition for. Let's look at some of those, shall we?
Style! That's actually a large one. We're expected to maintain certain standards of dress and speech - for example, how do you think those hulking thugs got so good at grunting? Practice, of course.
The style of the minion defines them. As I've mentioned before, to be a good minion, you usually have to place yourself in one of the categories (thug, secretary, guard #27, etc.) and it takes work to achieve that status. For example, the thug has to learn to scuff up his shoes before wearing them, and the sycophant - do you think it's easy to spend that much time thinking up compliments?
Weapons training. Oh, that takes time. And again, as a matter of style you have to chose the perfect weapon for your class.
Humility. The whole point of being a minion is to publicly admit that you have no interest in taking over the world (whether that's true or not is up to you). You have to accept the fact that you'll be scorned and laughed at, and accused of having no ambition. You may even be imprisoned or otherwise punished for something you didn't do because you're a convenient scapegoat.
Sheer mundane work. Do you think an Overlord matches his own socks up? Or vacuums his own evil lair? Or throws his own corpses into the moat? I think not. Even if you hate cooking, cleaning, or disposing of evidence, you do it anyway, because it's your job.
Bills and taxes. Of course, if your Overlord has already taken over the world, it's not that big a deal. You can hire your own minions to do the math. However, for most of us, it's more difficult. Your wanna-be Overlord has to purchase all those death ray components and hire all those minions, and who ends up having to figure up where to get the funds? You do, of course. Well, if you're a hulking thug you may get out of that. But for everyone else, you're out of luck. Bring a calculator.
~Headmistress Darke
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Something to Avoid, Part 1
This is a very important subject for those of you who are dumb enough to become hulking thugs (not that all thugs are dumb, of course - just most). If you aren't incredibly dumb, you probably don't need to read this, but I suggest you do anyway.
Don't fall in love with your boss. He is evil.
I mean, please.
How often has it happened? The minion falls in love with the Overlord, and serves him all the more willingly for it.
Let's face facts, people. If you think the Overlord is falling in love with you, you are being manipulated. Anyone ever watched, for example Harry Potter?
Or perhaps Doctor Who?
What do Chip and Bellatrix have in common?
They fell in love with their master/mistress. And what happened? Why, they died. They were merely pawns. Valuable pawns, perhaps, but pawns nonetheless.
It's happened countless times, people. And when has it actually ended well?
Given a choice on this blog, I will always give advice for the minion's benefit, not the Overlord's (unless they are the same at the time). So believe me when I tell you that this is a stupid idea.
Please excuse the little rant.
Homework: Give me more examples of stupid minions falling for their Overlords/masters/mistresses.
~Headmistress Darke
Don't fall in love with your boss. He is evil.
I mean, please.
How often has it happened? The minion falls in love with the Overlord, and serves him all the more willingly for it.
Let's face facts, people. If you think the Overlord is falling in love with you, you are being manipulated. Anyone ever watched, for example Harry Potter?What do Chip and Bellatrix have in common?
They fell in love with their master/mistress. And what happened? Why, they died. They were merely pawns. Valuable pawns, perhaps, but pawns nonetheless.
It's happened countless times, people. And when has it actually ended well?
Given a choice on this blog, I will always give advice for the minion's benefit, not the Overlord's (unless they are the same at the time). So believe me when I tell you that this is a stupid idea.
Please excuse the little rant.
Homework: Give me more examples of stupid minions falling for their Overlords/masters/mistresses.
~Headmistress Darke
For those suffering from stress...
You should try this.
Evil Link Here
I actually preferred it when it was shaped like a giant, red, explosion-causing button - but it still performs the same function. It's for those select few Overlords who cannot laugh evilly without assistance. It also is a very good stress reliever for minions.
Just press it a few dozen times and wait for the cares of the day to melt away!
~Headmistress Darke
Evil Link Here
I actually preferred it when it was shaped like a giant, red, explosion-causing button - but it still performs the same function. It's for those select few Overlords who cannot laugh evilly without assistance. It also is a very good stress reliever for minions.
Just press it a few dozen times and wait for the cares of the day to melt away!
~Headmistress Darke
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Weaponry
I apologize, my loyal minions (or I would, if I really cared) about my silence these past few weeks. I'd give an excuse, but I was just too busy to think of one.
Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.
Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.
A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.
Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.
As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.
But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.
Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?
Glad to hear it.
Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.
~Headmistress Darke
Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.
Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.
A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.
Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.
As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.
But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.
Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?
Glad to hear it.
Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.
~Headmistress Darke
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