Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)

A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.

However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.

I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:

1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.

This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.

2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.

For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.

3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.

This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).

4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.

You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.

5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.

Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.

6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.

Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all.  Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.

Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.

This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.

~Headmistress Darke

What goes around comes around

When I was younger I had no idea what that phrase meant. It was something my parents said, but let's be honest about this - at that age, when your parents talk, it all comes out as "ner ner ner."

But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.

People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.

For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.

Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?

Because if so, I would advise not  getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.

What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.