Well, 2012 is pretty much over and done. For some, this may be a good thing, others, not so much. I don't really care.
I'm feeling pretty good about the upcoming year, actually. For starters, it's 2013. Emphasis on the 13. Lucky number, right? Or not...
So, what are you going to do this upcoming year? Any great resolutions to fail to keep? Perhaps you have plans to stop drinking coffee or lose twenty pounds or destroy the earth using a gigantic superlaser from outer-space.
These are all good and respectable goals, but we have to be realistic: There's no way you're ever going to lay off the coffee.
Choosing a new year's resolution can be very good for you. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment from failing to honor you resolution. It will make you a much better minion, too. All Overlords look for minions with low self-esteem.
For example, this year one of my many resolutions (I never make less than two. That way it drags out the pain.) is to keep a journal. The reason? Well, for Christmas I received a copy of the Diary of River Song. That way I can keep records of my evildoings in a physical journal instead of the internet.
The trick to choosing a resolution is to make it possible. It's no good if it's totally unobtainable - if you fail, it should be your own fault. That said, sometimes through sheer force of will, you can actually achieve your goal.
For example, a reasonable idea would be to donate all your to assorted minion-related schools. Or perhaps just devote your time to creating dozens of blogger accounts and using them to become scores of duplicate students and give me lots of views. But those are just ideas.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The Golden Rule
I've heard two versions of the Golden Rule.
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
And the golden rule of "Whoever has the gold makes the rules."
Yes, I am aware that quoting a children's movie perhaps is not the best way to show how evil you are. But let's be fair about it! Those classic villains are the ones who modeled the later term of evil.
I mean, the classical children's stories modeled how to be an Overlord and still have fun.
But there's something to consider about those classical minions. For example, why are they all so stupid?
Let's face it, people, we aren't exactly known for our brains. We aren't stupid, but so many of our most famous members are. Most minions aren't stupid, but we still hear about Hotep and Huy. Most people aren't stupid, but we still hear about the Kardashians. Idiots will always be heard of.
Why are minions always thought of as the idiots? In the past, I have told you that it's best to seem like an idiot at all times, particularly if you're a Vicious Thug or a Cowering Sycophant.
Perhaps, though, the time has come to destroy these stereotypes. Why not introduce the world to a new breed of minions - the smart ones?
So the next time your Overlord commands you to, say, patrol around a dark warehouse in some kind of port to guard his object of power when you know there is a troop of ninjas after it, why don't you suggest he simply move it to a discreet bank somewhere?
Yeah, you might get killed, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
It's time people realized that just because we aren't Overlords does NOT mean we are stupid. So next time you get the chance, prove it.
~Headmistress Darke
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
And the golden rule of "Whoever has the gold makes the rules."
Yes, I am aware that quoting a children's movie perhaps is not the best way to show how evil you are. But let's be fair about it! Those classic villains are the ones who modeled the later term of evil.
I mean, the classical children's stories modeled how to be an Overlord and still have fun.
But there's something to consider about those classical minions. For example, why are they all so stupid?
Let's face it, people, we aren't exactly known for our brains. We aren't stupid, but so many of our most famous members are. Most minions aren't stupid, but we still hear about Hotep and Huy. Most people aren't stupid, but we still hear about the Kardashians. Idiots will always be heard of.
Why are minions always thought of as the idiots? In the past, I have told you that it's best to seem like an idiot at all times, particularly if you're a Vicious Thug or a Cowering Sycophant.
Perhaps, though, the time has come to destroy these stereotypes. Why not introduce the world to a new breed of minions - the smart ones?
So the next time your Overlord commands you to, say, patrol around a dark warehouse in some kind of port to guard his object of power when you know there is a troop of ninjas after it, why don't you suggest he simply move it to a discreet bank somewhere?
Yeah, you might get killed, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
It's time people realized that just because we aren't Overlords does NOT mean we are stupid. So next time you get the chance, prove it.
~Headmistress Darke
Thursday, December 20, 2012
How To Respond to Humiliation, Or, My Overlord Has No Ego
Oh, there are all sorts of terrible things that could happen to you if you try to protest against stupid requests or humiliating rebukes. For example, you might find yourself several feet from your head.
At times when he is stressed, your Overlord may tell you to do something you'd rather not; kneel, perhaps, or bring him coffee. He might even throw wine/coffee/drink of his choice in your face or spill something purposefully and order you to clean it up. How do you respond in situations like these? Where do you draw your line?
As a minion, there should be no line to draw. Your job is to do whatever he wants, whether it be fight off a hero's sidekick or stand there like a pillar while he laughs at you. But in reality, there are indeed things that you should draw the line at.
For example, you should never - and I repeat, NEVER, sweep the castle floor. That may sound obvious, especially if you are a hulking thug. But washing windows or beating carpets - well, that is the ultimate sign that you are not appreciated. When you are told to do the laundry, you aren't a minion; you are a servant, and that is Not a Good Thing.
But what to do in order to gain more respect?
Well, there are obvious things. For example, you could simply flee. If you are not respected enough, then the Overlord will not attempt to track you down. He'll hate you, maybe. But not bother with you any more. You might even try joining the hero, or finding a new Overlord.
What about being told to call your Overlord Master, Mistress, Supreme Excellency, etc.?
Well, do it. Same with kneeling. This shows that your Overlord is experiencing insecurities. That is a dangerous thing. It means he will try to prove something. So cower in fear if you need to; keep him feeling good about himself.
The normal way to show your submission is to avert your eyes and look scared. If you're really worried about the instability of your Overlord's ego, then try kneeling when you see him. Call him master if you need to.
I think the point I'm trying to make here is that minions do not have pride. So just give it up. The Overlord's ego should flourish; yours should shrivel up.
At times when he is stressed, your Overlord may tell you to do something you'd rather not; kneel, perhaps, or bring him coffee. He might even throw wine/coffee/drink of his choice in your face or spill something purposefully and order you to clean it up. How do you respond in situations like these? Where do you draw your line?
As a minion, there should be no line to draw. Your job is to do whatever he wants, whether it be fight off a hero's sidekick or stand there like a pillar while he laughs at you. But in reality, there are indeed things that you should draw the line at.
For example, you should never - and I repeat, NEVER, sweep the castle floor. That may sound obvious, especially if you are a hulking thug. But washing windows or beating carpets - well, that is the ultimate sign that you are not appreciated. When you are told to do the laundry, you aren't a minion; you are a servant, and that is Not a Good Thing.
But what to do in order to gain more respect?
Well, there are obvious things. For example, you could simply flee. If you are not respected enough, then the Overlord will not attempt to track you down. He'll hate you, maybe. But not bother with you any more. You might even try joining the hero, or finding a new Overlord.
What about being told to call your Overlord Master, Mistress, Supreme Excellency, etc.?
Well, do it. Same with kneeling. This shows that your Overlord is experiencing insecurities. That is a dangerous thing. It means he will try to prove something. So cower in fear if you need to; keep him feeling good about himself.
The normal way to show your submission is to avert your eyes and look scared. If you're really worried about the instability of your Overlord's ego, then try kneeling when you see him. Call him master if you need to.
I think the point I'm trying to make here is that minions do not have pride. So just give it up. The Overlord's ego should flourish; yours should shrivel up.
The End of the World
Well, it's the end of the world tomorrow (or today, depending on where you live). I'm not feeling too fussed, are you?
Of course, who knows? Perhaps some lucky Overlord out there will suddenly destroy the world, shocking us all.
I grant to you that most Overlords aren't trying to destroy the world. That would be silly. Who would you oppress?
But I wish you a happy 2012 and all the best luck in surviving the apocalypse unless I happen to dislike you.
Of course, who knows? Perhaps some lucky Overlord out there will suddenly destroy the world, shocking us all.
I grant to you that most Overlords aren't trying to destroy the world. That would be silly. Who would you oppress?
But I wish you a happy 2012 and all the best luck in surviving the apocalypse unless I happen to dislike you.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Evil Minions
I just thought I would add a link to a site called Evil Minions. I can't recall if I've already linked, but does it really matter?
So here you are.
Link to Evil Minions
It's not complete yet (I don't know if it ever will be) but it's a very good site for small details. Also, it teaches you some good ways of staying alive. Even if the site is dead - and I suspect it is - what's there is still a good reference. Or a bad one. It depends on your definition of the word and your outlook on life.
I would particularly like to draw your attention to the advice section, where they do indeed have some choice bits of information.
Also, this picture amused me. I promise that this will not become a blog of nothing but amusing memes and pictures, but this was quite good. I have no idea who to credit for it.
So here you are.
Link to Evil Minions
It's not complete yet (I don't know if it ever will be) but it's a very good site for small details. Also, it teaches you some good ways of staying alive. Even if the site is dead - and I suspect it is - what's there is still a good reference. Or a bad one. It depends on your definition of the word and your outlook on life.
I would particularly like to draw your attention to the advice section, where they do indeed have some choice bits of information.
Also, this picture amused me. I promise that this will not become a blog of nothing but amusing memes and pictures, but this was quite good. I have no idea who to credit for it.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Surrendering
I don't know if this is technically classified as a Part Two from my last post (When To Run Away) but it's on a similar subject: When do you surrender to the hero?
Keeping yourself alive is always a perk in this business. In any business, really. You shouldn't let your pride get in the way of keeping yourself out of trouble, and spending a few years in prison is a small price to pay relative to finding yourself in separate pieces.
But as is suggested by the Evil Overlord List (Peter's Evil Overlord List. If you haven't read it by now, you should. Even if you don't think you'll ever achieve Overlord status, it'll help you stay alive)
"No. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."
Again to quote the List, No. 174 "If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution."
Oftentimes the hero (being, you know, heroic) will offer to spare you if you recant your evil ways. And you know what? That's actually an option. No, I don't mean pretending to convert, I mean actually legitimately repenting for all your wicked ways. You may still have to suffer some consequences, but no one said this minion thing had to be a lifetime gig.
(Note: It often is a lifetime gig, but that's only because you don't live very long.)
Or you can do the typical thing; surrender and, as soon as possible, get out of there. Heck, sometimes the hero or his party will even heal and feed you first.
But bear in mind, it's best not to be in debt. Depending on your class (hulking thugs don't have to worry about this, but many people do) you may actually have some obligation. The Overlord wants minions with some - no matter how minute - kind of honor code. So beware giving yourself up in order to survive.
If you can, escape. But above all, DO NOT LET THE OVERLORD'S SPY SEE YOU. He'll carry tales to the Overlord, and you'll end up executed for treason.
If you're the sycophant kind of minion, you're in particularly deep trouble. You're already suspected of being a two-faced henchmen - don't make it worse by aiding/accepting aid from the hero. I know I advise this a lot, but you'll want to get out of there if that's the case.
If you're the secretary sort of minion, then you'll probably be okay. Just look sufficiently drained and exhausted when you show up at the fortress again and tell of how you had to crawl through three miles of thorns and fight a bull with your bare hands to get back. Obviously the Overlord will, sooner or later, discover the truth. Hopefully by that time you've earned enough money to retire comfortably.
~Headmistress Darke
Keeping yourself alive is always a perk in this business. In any business, really. You shouldn't let your pride get in the way of keeping yourself out of trouble, and spending a few years in prison is a small price to pay relative to finding yourself in separate pieces.
But as is suggested by the Evil Overlord List (Peter's Evil Overlord List. If you haven't read it by now, you should. Even if you don't think you'll ever achieve Overlord status, it'll help you stay alive)
"No. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."
Again to quote the List, No. 174 "If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution."
Oftentimes the hero (being, you know, heroic) will offer to spare you if you recant your evil ways. And you know what? That's actually an option. No, I don't mean pretending to convert, I mean actually legitimately repenting for all your wicked ways. You may still have to suffer some consequences, but no one said this minion thing had to be a lifetime gig.
(Note: It often is a lifetime gig, but that's only because you don't live very long.)
Or you can do the typical thing; surrender and, as soon as possible, get out of there. Heck, sometimes the hero or his party will even heal and feed you first.
But bear in mind, it's best not to be in debt. Depending on your class (hulking thugs don't have to worry about this, but many people do) you may actually have some obligation. The Overlord wants minions with some - no matter how minute - kind of honor code. So beware giving yourself up in order to survive.
If you can, escape. But above all, DO NOT LET THE OVERLORD'S SPY SEE YOU. He'll carry tales to the Overlord, and you'll end up executed for treason.
If you're the sycophant kind of minion, you're in particularly deep trouble. You're already suspected of being a two-faced henchmen - don't make it worse by aiding/accepting aid from the hero. I know I advise this a lot, but you'll want to get out of there if that's the case.
If you're the secretary sort of minion, then you'll probably be okay. Just look sufficiently drained and exhausted when you show up at the fortress again and tell of how you had to crawl through three miles of thorns and fight a bull with your bare hands to get back. Obviously the Overlord will, sooner or later, discover the truth. Hopefully by that time you've earned enough money to retire comfortably.
~Headmistress Darke
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
When to Run Away
This post is interesting, since I don't have too much experience with running away. I don't mean to say that as a boast; in fact, cowardice is almost expected from minions. No, running away can often be the best solution to a bad situation.
That's why you need to make sure your minion shoes - whether they be part of your uniform, or of your own choosing - have very good grip, are not to burdensome, and will not sound too loud if you are fleeing into a forest.
One of the things I suggest is to never look back over your shoulder. This will slow you down. However, you think you are right about to be overtaken, a quick glance could give you that extra jolt of adrenaline you need to survive.
There are many reasons you may need to run. The classic is this:
Your Overlord has sent you to collect something or assassinate someone. You and your party have just settled down for the night. You've generously volunteered (ie, been forced) to take first watch.
Something rustles in the bushes.
Now, not being a complete idiot, you decide not to go and investigate. But what do you do? Waking your party up for a rabbit seems a bit daft. And there's no surer way to get killed than to show weakness or bad judgement.
That's when the ambush springs.
If your troops appear to be winning, it's important to be in the middle of the fight. You might even want to allow yourself to sustain a few light injuries - nothing movement-impairing - and pant a lot. But if, more likely, the ambush is successful and most of your men are killed in their sleep-befuddled state (NEVER allow them to become befuddled by other things. Drinking on duty is a terrible thing) then you'll want to flee into the darkness. You can return later to see what the damage was.
Now some of you may be asking, "Isn't this a bad idea? Running into the woods at night with no clue where you are?" Others, still, might want to know, "Isn't this a little too spineless? Shouldn't I rely more on my men?"
Excuse me while I hide a small and polite laugh behind my black-lace handkerchief and mark you on my "execute promptly" list. This is the kind of thinking that will get you killed.
Another situation you might find yourself in: What if the Overlord is right there in front of you? Perhaps in a face-off with the hero? The odds are in the hero's favor, and your survival isn't looking good. Worst of all, the comic relief or heroic sidekick is sizing you up (and vice versa).
Run.
Don't expect the villain to forget you running, but trust me, it's not worth sticking around. You can find an new Overlord, or become a shoemaker or a postman. It's better than getting killed and watching the Overlord step over your body as he incinerates the hero.
Another thing to consider is returning later on. The Overlord often will accept you back (with considerably less trust, of course) and life will continue on as normal in the black fortress of doom.
Or you'll die. That happens sometimes too.
If you need to, get out of the country. Cross an ocean, do whatever you need to in order to get out of there. Because sometimes groveling just doesn't work, and you're going to need all the time you can get in order to flee the Overlord's wrath.
~Headmistress Darke
That's why you need to make sure your minion shoes - whether they be part of your uniform, or of your own choosing - have very good grip, are not to burdensome, and will not sound too loud if you are fleeing into a forest.
One of the things I suggest is to never look back over your shoulder. This will slow you down. However, you think you are right about to be overtaken, a quick glance could give you that extra jolt of adrenaline you need to survive.
There are many reasons you may need to run. The classic is this:
Your Overlord has sent you to collect something or assassinate someone. You and your party have just settled down for the night. You've generously volunteered (ie, been forced) to take first watch.
Something rustles in the bushes.
Now, not being a complete idiot, you decide not to go and investigate. But what do you do? Waking your party up for a rabbit seems a bit daft. And there's no surer way to get killed than to show weakness or bad judgement.
That's when the ambush springs.
If your troops appear to be winning, it's important to be in the middle of the fight. You might even want to allow yourself to sustain a few light injuries - nothing movement-impairing - and pant a lot. But if, more likely, the ambush is successful and most of your men are killed in their sleep-befuddled state (NEVER allow them to become befuddled by other things. Drinking on duty is a terrible thing) then you'll want to flee into the darkness. You can return later to see what the damage was.
Now some of you may be asking, "Isn't this a bad idea? Running into the woods at night with no clue where you are?" Others, still, might want to know, "Isn't this a little too spineless? Shouldn't I rely more on my men?"
Excuse me while I hide a small and polite laugh behind my black-lace handkerchief and mark you on my "execute promptly" list. This is the kind of thinking that will get you killed.
Another situation you might find yourself in: What if the Overlord is right there in front of you? Perhaps in a face-off with the hero? The odds are in the hero's favor, and your survival isn't looking good. Worst of all, the comic relief or heroic sidekick is sizing you up (and vice versa).
Run.
Don't expect the villain to forget you running, but trust me, it's not worth sticking around. You can find an new Overlord, or become a shoemaker or a postman. It's better than getting killed and watching the Overlord step over your body as he incinerates the hero.
Another thing to consider is returning later on. The Overlord often will accept you back (with considerably less trust, of course) and life will continue on as normal in the black fortress of doom.
Or you'll die. That happens sometimes too.
If you need to, get out of the country. Cross an ocean, do whatever you need to in order to get out of there. Because sometimes groveling just doesn't work, and you're going to need all the time you can get in order to flee the Overlord's wrath.
~Headmistress Darke
Why You Shouldn't Trust Your Co-workers
Or your friends in general.
Oh, don't get me wrong; friendship is fine. Romance is fine. Rivalry is expected and fine. But oh, dear fellow minions, don't try trust anyone.
The whole point of being a minion is to someday be an Overlord. Oh, that's optional, of course. But if you display a lack of ambition, then you'll surely be replaced. No, it is best to at least act as if power is tempting. Besides, Overlords want minions who can be easily manipulated.
That doesn't mean you have to be a weak-minded fool.
You just have to look like one.
Your fellow minions will be strong competition. If you are particularly high on the rank list, then you will undoubtedly be the target of assassination attempts.
So here are some tips for avoiding, in the words of the Clockwork Quartet, "A messy and permanent stop."
Do not accept food or drink from anyone except the Overlord or the grocery store. Yes, there is a chance that the shopkeeper wants to kill you too, or the Overlord will kill you on a whim, but it's safer than going to the pub with some other, slightly lower rank, minion who will slip poison into your beer.
Don't ever be alone with someone who hates you. This may seem obvious, but it's a common mistake.
Always carry a weapon unless this is expressly forbidden. No matter how small - from a letter-opener to a chainsaw - anything that can protect you in freak circumstances is valuable.
Try and avoid being selected to accompany the Overlord on journeys that require teaming up with the heroes. Why? Because you are automatically the red shirt. Every watch National Treasure? First or second? You're going to die.
(Note: A "red shirt" is a Star Trek term, in reference to the fact that the character who dies in the beginning of every episode usually wears a red shirt.)
The sad truth of the matter is, you are always in danger from your friends. Never trust them. Enjoy their company, accept their words as truth with possible exceptions, but don't allow them to betray you. It'll go better for everyone if you stay alive.
At least, for yourself. And that's what counts
~Headmistress Darke
Oh, don't get me wrong; friendship is fine. Romance is fine. Rivalry is expected and fine. But oh, dear fellow minions, don't try trust anyone.
The whole point of being a minion is to someday be an Overlord. Oh, that's optional, of course. But if you display a lack of ambition, then you'll surely be replaced. No, it is best to at least act as if power is tempting. Besides, Overlords want minions who can be easily manipulated.
That doesn't mean you have to be a weak-minded fool.
You just have to look like one.
Your fellow minions will be strong competition. If you are particularly high on the rank list, then you will undoubtedly be the target of assassination attempts.
So here are some tips for avoiding, in the words of the Clockwork Quartet, "A messy and permanent stop."
Do not accept food or drink from anyone except the Overlord or the grocery store. Yes, there is a chance that the shopkeeper wants to kill you too, or the Overlord will kill you on a whim, but it's safer than going to the pub with some other, slightly lower rank, minion who will slip poison into your beer.
Don't ever be alone with someone who hates you. This may seem obvious, but it's a common mistake.
Always carry a weapon unless this is expressly forbidden. No matter how small - from a letter-opener to a chainsaw - anything that can protect you in freak circumstances is valuable.
Try and avoid being selected to accompany the Overlord on journeys that require teaming up with the heroes. Why? Because you are automatically the red shirt. Every watch National Treasure? First or second? You're going to die.
(Note: A "red shirt" is a Star Trek term, in reference to the fact that the character who dies in the beginning of every episode usually wears a red shirt.)
The sad truth of the matter is, you are always in danger from your friends. Never trust them. Enjoy their company, accept their words as truth with possible exceptions, but don't allow them to betray you. It'll go better for everyone if you stay alive.
At least, for yourself. And that's what counts
~Headmistress Darke
Monday, December 10, 2012
How to Keep From Being Smote
Dying is, obviously, not desirable. If it is desirable, then you're not cut out for this line of work. So now it's time to address one of the key concerns among potential minions - what assurance of survival do you have?
I believe in honesty at all times except when inconvenient, so I am going to tell you the truth now: None at all. There is every likelihood that you could be killed by your Overlord without so much as a sympathetic glance or a paid funeral.
I'm sure most of these rules are obvious, but I'll tell you them anyway. I'd hate for you to have a gap in your education, and, consequently, a gap in your vital organs. So pay close attention to what I am going to tell you.
1. Don't ever be anything less than perfect. There will always be someone to blame for your mistakes.
2: Suppose the hero has just defeated your Overlord's forces at the nearest city. Things aren't looking good for your career. You have been tasked with carrying this dreadful news to your Overlord. What do you do? Answer: Make someone else do it. Don't deliver bad news. If you have to, skip town and let someone else tell the Overlord. As mentioned on Evil Minions, an email or letter is a perfectly acceptable alternative. It's not completely safe, I grant you, but it's better than being in smite range.
(Note: What precisely is a smite? Or, in the past tense, a smote? A smite is the act of killing your enemies with a single blow. In Overlord talk, it is the act of ultimate revenge, and often pettiness.)
3: This is a classic, and again mentioned on Evil Minions. The attractive, heroic member of the opposite gender? He or she is not really interested in you, and you should not allow him/her access to any important files. Not only will they likely kill you, but you will definitely lose your job. You may also lose your head.
4: Don't eat or drink anything while on guard duty. Also, when monitoring security cameras, pay attention to the screen. If, at regular intervals of time (ten seconds is the norm) the screen flickers slightly, then you are being fed a loop and the heroes are invading. Don't trust the screen.
5: The Overlord will kill you if you hurt his family. Please note that I make no claims that the Overlord cares for his family - but he'll kill you simply out of principle.
6: You know the giant red button that says "DO NOT PUSH?" Every Overlord has one. Don't push it. This may seem like a given, but let's not take chances here, all right?
7: Sometimes you are asked to take care of menial tasks such as delivering coffee to the Overlord. Don't protest; this is just asking for a smite. Also, make sure you have practice as a waiter/waitress because spilling coffee on the Overlord is a sure sign of doom.
Bear in mind that these are simply ways to avoid getting smote by the Overlord. They do not apply to combat, wars, giant-killer-moths-of-doom (you'd be surprised how often that happens) or attack by hero.
~Headmistress Darke
I believe in honesty at all times except when inconvenient, so I am going to tell you the truth now: None at all. There is every likelihood that you could be killed by your Overlord without so much as a sympathetic glance or a paid funeral.
I'm sure most of these rules are obvious, but I'll tell you them anyway. I'd hate for you to have a gap in your education, and, consequently, a gap in your vital organs. So pay close attention to what I am going to tell you.
1. Don't ever be anything less than perfect. There will always be someone to blame for your mistakes.
2: Suppose the hero has just defeated your Overlord's forces at the nearest city. Things aren't looking good for your career. You have been tasked with carrying this dreadful news to your Overlord. What do you do? Answer: Make someone else do it. Don't deliver bad news. If you have to, skip town and let someone else tell the Overlord. As mentioned on Evil Minions, an email or letter is a perfectly acceptable alternative. It's not completely safe, I grant you, but it's better than being in smite range.
(Note: What precisely is a smite? Or, in the past tense, a smote? A smite is the act of killing your enemies with a single blow. In Overlord talk, it is the act of ultimate revenge, and often pettiness.)
3: This is a classic, and again mentioned on Evil Minions. The attractive, heroic member of the opposite gender? He or she is not really interested in you, and you should not allow him/her access to any important files. Not only will they likely kill you, but you will definitely lose your job. You may also lose your head.
4: Don't eat or drink anything while on guard duty. Also, when monitoring security cameras, pay attention to the screen. If, at regular intervals of time (ten seconds is the norm) the screen flickers slightly, then you are being fed a loop and the heroes are invading. Don't trust the screen.
5: The Overlord will kill you if you hurt his family. Please note that I make no claims that the Overlord cares for his family - but he'll kill you simply out of principle.
6: You know the giant red button that says "DO NOT PUSH?" Every Overlord has one. Don't push it. This may seem like a given, but let's not take chances here, all right?
7: Sometimes you are asked to take care of menial tasks such as delivering coffee to the Overlord. Don't protest; this is just asking for a smite. Also, make sure you have practice as a waiter/waitress because spilling coffee on the Overlord is a sure sign of doom.
Bear in mind that these are simply ways to avoid getting smote by the Overlord. They do not apply to combat, wars, giant-killer-moths-of-doom (you'd be surprised how often that happens) or attack by hero.
~Headmistress Darke
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Evil with Style, Part Two
This is more than just style - this is how you judge your career.
Image is everything, as they say, and you had better know what you want
to look at. So, without further ado, allow me to give you the types of
appearance.
Hulking thug: This is perfect for those who are tall, and insanely muscular. Sometimes they appear as overweight, but this is uncommon. I am sorry to say that as a hulking Thug, you will be expected to be a tad stupid. This is nothing to worry about, though; you don't have to give up classical literature or the chess team just because you act stupid for the boss.
Clothing wise, you can wear things like junky suits or if you're working in a castle (we'll address work locations later) you can go for the medieval look - stained tunic, swords or crossbows (with laser pointers, I might add) and those excellent hats. Uniforms are not commonly worn by the hulking thugs. Do not - I repeat, do not try to wear skintight jumpsuits or spandex. That is a very, very bad idea.
The "I will beat you to a pulp and take your money," look is what you're trying to go for. Gentlemen, sideburns are a nice touch, and always have at least two days' worth of beard.
Then there's the secretary/personal assistant type minion. For that, I strongly suggest a more elegant touch. But slightly meek - no point in looking threatening. This role is often filled by the people who are not really evil - or at least don't appear to be.
In this role, the semi-expensive suit is your friend. Also, a notebook to help remember your Overlord's demands is a good idea. You may even be requested to act as a butler or servant of sorts, so make sure the suit is of a good color to hides stains of food, gore, poisonous chemicals, or any other common fortresshold spills. Also, ladies, high-heels are a very good choice for this. But when the fortress is ready to explode, make sure you have decent footwear to change into as you run for your life. Spraining an ankle then would be bad.
The image below is always a classic.
The skintight suits mentioned above would be reserved for those serving the technolords. Uniforms are a must when serving Overlords who like electronics and order, so make sure you don't stand out from the crowd too much. If you do want to look different, visors or fancy earrings are the way to go. Anything metal - especially silver-colored items. Just try not to make it gaudy. Bluetooth style ear pieces are practical and give you that professional look.
For the mercenaries; Your class is rather difficult because anything goes. You are the rough-and-tumble. You are expendable, but only because you don't tend to show loyalty. Since you aren't officially a minion, uniforms are unnecessary. Try to stay looking tough, and carrying a visible weapon is often a good choice. But beyond that? Go crazy. Just don't look silly.
As always, these are just a few short pieces on presenting yourself correctly. But you'll hear plenty more on that later. If there are any questions, you are, of course, encouraged to ask.
Hulking thug: This is perfect for those who are tall, and insanely muscular. Sometimes they appear as overweight, but this is uncommon. I am sorry to say that as a hulking Thug, you will be expected to be a tad stupid. This is nothing to worry about, though; you don't have to give up classical literature or the chess team just because you act stupid for the boss.
Clothing wise, you can wear things like junky suits or if you're working in a castle (we'll address work locations later) you can go for the medieval look - stained tunic, swords or crossbows (with laser pointers, I might add) and those excellent hats. Uniforms are not commonly worn by the hulking thugs. Do not - I repeat, do not try to wear skintight jumpsuits or spandex. That is a very, very bad idea.
The "I will beat you to a pulp and take your money," look is what you're trying to go for. Gentlemen, sideburns are a nice touch, and always have at least two days' worth of beard.
Then there's the secretary/personal assistant type minion. For that, I strongly suggest a more elegant touch. But slightly meek - no point in looking threatening. This role is often filled by the people who are not really evil - or at least don't appear to be.
In this role, the semi-expensive suit is your friend. Also, a notebook to help remember your Overlord's demands is a good idea. You may even be requested to act as a butler or servant of sorts, so make sure the suit is of a good color to hides stains of food, gore, poisonous chemicals, or any other common fortresshold spills. Also, ladies, high-heels are a very good choice for this. But when the fortress is ready to explode, make sure you have decent footwear to change into as you run for your life. Spraining an ankle then would be bad.
The image below is always a classic.
The skintight suits mentioned above would be reserved for those serving the technolords. Uniforms are a must when serving Overlords who like electronics and order, so make sure you don't stand out from the crowd too much. If you do want to look different, visors or fancy earrings are the way to go. Anything metal - especially silver-colored items. Just try not to make it gaudy. Bluetooth style ear pieces are practical and give you that professional look.
For the mercenaries; Your class is rather difficult because anything goes. You are the rough-and-tumble. You are expendable, but only because you don't tend to show loyalty. Since you aren't officially a minion, uniforms are unnecessary. Try to stay looking tough, and carrying a visible weapon is often a good choice. But beyond that? Go crazy. Just don't look silly.
As always, these are just a few short pieces on presenting yourself correctly. But you'll hear plenty more on that later. If there are any questions, you are, of course, encouraged to ask.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
How to Commit Evil With Style
Style is important to a minion. It's not enough to just feel evil inside; you have to look it. But of course, what you're wearing and how you carry yourself has to compliment your Overlord. Perhaps it's not fair, but that's the way it works.
We'll deal first with the usual look for Overlords, and the attitude: He wears black, he doesn't carry weapons (but is quite adept at pushing large red buttons that say "Do Not Push" on them), he carries himself with confidence. He does require minions because he is usually quite physically weak. But he is often a good shot and/or a master of poisons, assassination, etc.
If you are serving this type of Overlord, you aren't terribly restricted. What works best is the hulking look; you (and if you have a partner) lurk behind the Overlord's shoulder, or behind his throne, and watch in case of attacks. You do not have to worry about clothing very much; just dress modestly if you're a female, and do not try and look more dangerous than the overlord. You can also go for the accountant type (think Drumknott from Discworld) or the sycophant, "I'll never betray you, master, let me lick your boots," type. That is not advisable, though - they almost always die.
The next type of villain is the flamboyant psychopath (a personal favorite). He wears bright colors, and tends to smile a lot. He also likes to shoot things/blow things up/stab things/murder people. For this kind of a guy, you want to NOT DRAW ATTENTION to yourself. He will kill you. Keep your dress code subdued. You might want to encourage your fellow minions to NOT do the same - it's best to have someone who looks like a better target standing next to you. Gray or black are good colors. But if you go for the black, make it a dustier shade. Sunglasses are never a good idea. Having a mustache, gents, will also likely get you in an unpleasant situation (ie, hanging upside down by your toes over a flaming cauldron of boiling oil while small rodents nibble on your ears).
The joker is a prime example of this type of villain.
Next, there's the business of crime lords. They often have funny accents (the definition of a funny accent - any accent that is not your own) and carry guns with them. You will never see them without a suit on, although it changes from cheap to quite expensive.
Interestingly enough, the better the crime lord, the cheaper the suit. If you have enough control over the gangs, you have nobody to impress. But, as a minion (or, in the world of crime lords, a "thug" or a "crony" or a "henchman") you must dress to impress. Always wear a suit that is clean and well pressed - but never more expensive than your master's.
A note to the female minions of crime lords: despite what the other female minions think, your job description is not "attractive girl in skimpy clothes who sits around passing me items when I need them." No, you are allowed to dress with just as much class as the men.
A note to the male minions: You are, sad to say, required to act just the tiniest bit stupid. It makes the crime lord feel better about himself, even if he is actually quite smart.
The last type of Overlord to discuss today is complete-raving-lunatic-let's-kill-the-world type. They can dress anywhere from the Joker's style to Gandalf's robes and still get away from it, because no one will tell them not to.
As far as you're concerned, going in a simple suit will work. Or, you can go for the picture below, or whatever the male equivalent is.
In the few types I have mentioned here, you will notice something: I strongly encourage you to look your best at all times. Trashy minions go nowhere except to die at the hero's hands, so please, my loyal students, stay looking respectable.
We'll deal first with the usual look for Overlords, and the attitude: He wears black, he doesn't carry weapons (but is quite adept at pushing large red buttons that say "Do Not Push" on them), he carries himself with confidence. He does require minions because he is usually quite physically weak. But he is often a good shot and/or a master of poisons, assassination, etc.
If you are serving this type of Overlord, you aren't terribly restricted. What works best is the hulking look; you (and if you have a partner) lurk behind the Overlord's shoulder, or behind his throne, and watch in case of attacks. You do not have to worry about clothing very much; just dress modestly if you're a female, and do not try and look more dangerous than the overlord. You can also go for the accountant type (think Drumknott from Discworld) or the sycophant, "I'll never betray you, master, let me lick your boots," type. That is not advisable, though - they almost always die.
The next type of villain is the flamboyant psychopath (a personal favorite). He wears bright colors, and tends to smile a lot. He also likes to shoot things/blow things up/stab things/murder people. For this kind of a guy, you want to NOT DRAW ATTENTION to yourself. He will kill you. Keep your dress code subdued. You might want to encourage your fellow minions to NOT do the same - it's best to have someone who looks like a better target standing next to you. Gray or black are good colors. But if you go for the black, make it a dustier shade. Sunglasses are never a good idea. Having a mustache, gents, will also likely get you in an unpleasant situation (ie, hanging upside down by your toes over a flaming cauldron of boiling oil while small rodents nibble on your ears).
The joker is a prime example of this type of villain.
Next, there's the business of crime lords. They often have funny accents (the definition of a funny accent - any accent that is not your own) and carry guns with them. You will never see them without a suit on, although it changes from cheap to quite expensive.
Interestingly enough, the better the crime lord, the cheaper the suit. If you have enough control over the gangs, you have nobody to impress. But, as a minion (or, in the world of crime lords, a "thug" or a "crony" or a "henchman") you must dress to impress. Always wear a suit that is clean and well pressed - but never more expensive than your master's.
A note to the female minions of crime lords: despite what the other female minions think, your job description is not "attractive girl in skimpy clothes who sits around passing me items when I need them." No, you are allowed to dress with just as much class as the men.
A note to the male minions: You are, sad to say, required to act just the tiniest bit stupid. It makes the crime lord feel better about himself, even if he is actually quite smart.
The last type of Overlord to discuss today is complete-raving-lunatic-let's-kill-the-world type. They can dress anywhere from the Joker's style to Gandalf's robes and still get away from it, because no one will tell them not to.
As far as you're concerned, going in a simple suit will work. Or, you can go for the picture below, or whatever the male equivalent is.
In the few types I have mentioned here, you will notice something: I strongly encourage you to look your best at all times. Trashy minions go nowhere except to die at the hero's hands, so please, my loyal students, stay looking respectable.
Enrollment Irrelevant
Welcome, you who aspire to be evil, to Moira Darke's School for Minions.
Let me introduce myself, since a villain does this with style; My name is Moira Darke. If you haven't figured that out, you are now classified as a Villainous Thug. We will delve into that later.
There was a time when I wanted to be hailed as the Overlord of the Internet. My dreams were crushed, however. I didn't know why. Why, why, why was it so unfair? Why couldn't I gain fame and glory and crush all those who opposed me into oblivion? I didn't ask for much!
And then it struck me; I can't call myself an Overlord. The reason being is, and I do not wish to sound sexist against my own gender here, but it's true, I am female. A female cannot be hailed as an overlord.
Now, Overlordess just doesn't sound right. Empress is a classic, of course. And I do love the sound of Mistress of the Dark Arts, or things along those lines. But I wanted to be an Overlord. My hopes were dashed.
Before any of you evil gentlemen give this school up as a lost cause, continue to read on.
That's when it hit me; I can spread evil in the little ways. I am now under the rule of a wanna-be Overlord as his beginning minion. It's not an idea situation, of course; I will never be allowed to let out with a maniacal laugh, or wear black cloaks with high collars. But I can carry large weapons and smite those who annoy me. That's enough. I like minionhood.
I began to search the web for minion schools, and there were none to my satisfaction. Most of them were directed at Overlords searching for minions, or those plotting to overthrow their masters (not that I'm saying you shouldn't), or things of that nature.
So why not start my own?
So I welcome you to my School of Minionship, where you are encouraged to overthrow me, your Headmistress Darke.
Go darken the world like a little shadow of darkness.
Let me introduce myself, since a villain does this with style; My name is Moira Darke. If you haven't figured that out, you are now classified as a Villainous Thug. We will delve into that later.
There was a time when I wanted to be hailed as the Overlord of the Internet. My dreams were crushed, however. I didn't know why. Why, why, why was it so unfair? Why couldn't I gain fame and glory and crush all those who opposed me into oblivion? I didn't ask for much!
And then it struck me; I can't call myself an Overlord. The reason being is, and I do not wish to sound sexist against my own gender here, but it's true, I am female. A female cannot be hailed as an overlord.
Now, Overlordess just doesn't sound right. Empress is a classic, of course. And I do love the sound of Mistress of the Dark Arts, or things along those lines. But I wanted to be an Overlord. My hopes were dashed.
Before any of you evil gentlemen give this school up as a lost cause, continue to read on.
That's when it hit me; I can spread evil in the little ways. I am now under the rule of a wanna-be Overlord as his beginning minion. It's not an idea situation, of course; I will never be allowed to let out with a maniacal laugh, or wear black cloaks with high collars. But I can carry large weapons and smite those who annoy me. That's enough. I like minionhood.
I began to search the web for minion schools, and there were none to my satisfaction. Most of them were directed at Overlords searching for minions, or those plotting to overthrow their masters (not that I'm saying you shouldn't), or things of that nature.
So why not start my own?
So I welcome you to my School of Minionship, where you are encouraged to overthrow me, your Headmistress Darke.
Go darken the world like a little shadow of darkness.
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