To begin with, I wish to inform you that there will be a slight Christmas break, although I cannot guarantee that lessons will not begin sporadically again on Christmas Eve, or day, or possibly even tomorrow. It depends when inspiration hits.
Evil waits for no one, after all.
Well, that's a slight lie. It'll be waiting on Christmas day, ironically because I'm going to be at church. The amusement this causes does not escape me.
Please excuse me while I slip out of character.
Anyway, the plans for 2014 (dang. What happened to 2012? I'm too young for it to be 2014!) are as follows.
So I say, to all one of you reading this... Yes, I know you're there. Watching, always watching... You're evil. Well, I mean, obviously not evil enough or you wouldn't be reading this, but...
There is a slight possibility of an official comic involving the story of Moira Darke (or more specifically, the Co-verlords. This may make sense, if I actually get around to it).
The blog will, of course, continue to be updated. Hopefully more regularly, but I've promised you this before so clearly you cannot trust my word on anything.
With any luck, the upcoming blog posts will also involve art of some sort to, aha, illustrate my point. No more endless blocks of text. You're welcome.
I am also contemplating the possibility of recruiting one of the local Overlords to begin his own blog of instructions. Perhaps I'll even get the hero to do it. As far as I'm aware, we don't have any sidekicks around here, but I'm sure I could scrounge something up. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.
So there you have it. You also have your first time talking to me and not to Moira Darke. I also feel the need (it's that bloody Christmas Spirit thing, isn't it...? Fortunately, I am immune) to remind readers that I am, in fact, not evil, and you probably shouldn't be unless you're really, really good at it and promise to give me Australia and Hokkaido when you take over the world.
Happy Christmas
-Me
Showing posts with label heroes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heroes. Show all posts
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
When Captive
There are many times in the life of a head minion that one finds one's self in a situation less than pleasing. Occasionally it's something like the dishwasher breaking down or accidentally causing the end of civilization as we know it or the Overlord beating you over the head with his Scepter of Evil Destiny.
But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.
This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.
When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.
The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.
Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.
Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.
Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.
Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.
Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.
The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.
If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.
While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.
Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.
The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.
And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.
Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.
~Headmistress Darke
But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.
This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.
When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.
The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.
Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.
Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.
Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.
Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.
Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.
The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.
If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.
While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.
Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.
The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.
And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.
Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.
~Headmistress Darke
Monday, October 21, 2013
Interrogation Etiquette (Part 2)
This is a continuation of the previous discussion on interrogation room procedures. Please, read the other lesson here.
This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.
1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.
2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.
3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.
4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.
5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.
6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.
And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.
Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.
~Headmistress Darke
This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.
1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.
2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.
3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.
4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.
5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.
6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.
And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.
Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.
~Headmistress Darke
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)
A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.
However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.
I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:
1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.
This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.
2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.
For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.
3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.
This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).
4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.
You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.
5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.
Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.
6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.
Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all. Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.
Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.
This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.
~Headmistress Darke
However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.
I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:
1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.
This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.
2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.
For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.
3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.
This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).
4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.
You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.
5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.
Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.
6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.
Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all. Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.
Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.
This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.
~Headmistress Darke
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)
Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.
Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.
There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).
This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.
Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.
Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.
Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.
Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).
Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.
And good luck.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
What We Do
Ethical Evil is an oxymoron, of course, and the purpose of this academy is not to teach you how to become a hero (although I'm sure you'll find some sort of instruction on that. It's a more more socially acceptable subject).
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.
I am speaking of the fabled Code.
A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.
The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.
This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.
This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.
For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.
Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.
Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).
And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
A Thing to Consider, Part 2
The finish-up lesson from my previous post.
We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.
More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.
First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.
When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.
Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.
Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.
Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.
What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?
First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?
Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.
For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.
Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.
But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.
And now, go out and be terrible little minions.
~Headmistress Darke
We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.
More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.
First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.
When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.
Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.
Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.
Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.
What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?
First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?
Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.
For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.
Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.
But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.
And now, go out and be terrible little minions.
~Headmistress Darke
Saturday, February 23, 2013
What goes around comes around
When I was younger I had no idea what that phrase meant. It was something my parents said, but let's be honest about this - at that age, when your parents talk, it all comes out as "ner ner ner."
But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.
People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.
For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.
Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?
Because if so, I would advise not getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.
What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.
But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.
People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.
For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.
Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?
Because if so, I would advise not getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.
What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Surrendering
I don't know if this is technically classified as a Part Two from my last post (When To Run Away) but it's on a similar subject: When do you surrender to the hero?
Keeping yourself alive is always a perk in this business. In any business, really. You shouldn't let your pride get in the way of keeping yourself out of trouble, and spending a few years in prison is a small price to pay relative to finding yourself in separate pieces.
But as is suggested by the Evil Overlord List (Peter's Evil Overlord List. If you haven't read it by now, you should. Even if you don't think you'll ever achieve Overlord status, it'll help you stay alive)
"No. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."
Again to quote the List, No. 174 "If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution."
Oftentimes the hero (being, you know, heroic) will offer to spare you if you recant your evil ways. And you know what? That's actually an option. No, I don't mean pretending to convert, I mean actually legitimately repenting for all your wicked ways. You may still have to suffer some consequences, but no one said this minion thing had to be a lifetime gig.
(Note: It often is a lifetime gig, but that's only because you don't live very long.)
Or you can do the typical thing; surrender and, as soon as possible, get out of there. Heck, sometimes the hero or his party will even heal and feed you first.
But bear in mind, it's best not to be in debt. Depending on your class (hulking thugs don't have to worry about this, but many people do) you may actually have some obligation. The Overlord wants minions with some - no matter how minute - kind of honor code. So beware giving yourself up in order to survive.
If you can, escape. But above all, DO NOT LET THE OVERLORD'S SPY SEE YOU. He'll carry tales to the Overlord, and you'll end up executed for treason.
If you're the sycophant kind of minion, you're in particularly deep trouble. You're already suspected of being a two-faced henchmen - don't make it worse by aiding/accepting aid from the hero. I know I advise this a lot, but you'll want to get out of there if that's the case.
If you're the secretary sort of minion, then you'll probably be okay. Just look sufficiently drained and exhausted when you show up at the fortress again and tell of how you had to crawl through three miles of thorns and fight a bull with your bare hands to get back. Obviously the Overlord will, sooner or later, discover the truth. Hopefully by that time you've earned enough money to retire comfortably.
~Headmistress Darke
Keeping yourself alive is always a perk in this business. In any business, really. You shouldn't let your pride get in the way of keeping yourself out of trouble, and spending a few years in prison is a small price to pay relative to finding yourself in separate pieces.
But as is suggested by the Evil Overlord List (Peter's Evil Overlord List. If you haven't read it by now, you should. Even if you don't think you'll ever achieve Overlord status, it'll help you stay alive)
"No. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."
Again to quote the List, No. 174 "If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution."
Oftentimes the hero (being, you know, heroic) will offer to spare you if you recant your evil ways. And you know what? That's actually an option. No, I don't mean pretending to convert, I mean actually legitimately repenting for all your wicked ways. You may still have to suffer some consequences, but no one said this minion thing had to be a lifetime gig.
(Note: It often is a lifetime gig, but that's only because you don't live very long.)
Or you can do the typical thing; surrender and, as soon as possible, get out of there. Heck, sometimes the hero or his party will even heal and feed you first.
But bear in mind, it's best not to be in debt. Depending on your class (hulking thugs don't have to worry about this, but many people do) you may actually have some obligation. The Overlord wants minions with some - no matter how minute - kind of honor code. So beware giving yourself up in order to survive.
If you can, escape. But above all, DO NOT LET THE OVERLORD'S SPY SEE YOU. He'll carry tales to the Overlord, and you'll end up executed for treason.
If you're the sycophant kind of minion, you're in particularly deep trouble. You're already suspected of being a two-faced henchmen - don't make it worse by aiding/accepting aid from the hero. I know I advise this a lot, but you'll want to get out of there if that's the case.
If you're the secretary sort of minion, then you'll probably be okay. Just look sufficiently drained and exhausted when you show up at the fortress again and tell of how you had to crawl through three miles of thorns and fight a bull with your bare hands to get back. Obviously the Overlord will, sooner or later, discover the truth. Hopefully by that time you've earned enough money to retire comfortably.
~Headmistress Darke
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
When to Run Away
This post is interesting, since I don't have too much experience with running away. I don't mean to say that as a boast; in fact, cowardice is almost expected from minions. No, running away can often be the best solution to a bad situation.
That's why you need to make sure your minion shoes - whether they be part of your uniform, or of your own choosing - have very good grip, are not to burdensome, and will not sound too loud if you are fleeing into a forest.
One of the things I suggest is to never look back over your shoulder. This will slow you down. However, you think you are right about to be overtaken, a quick glance could give you that extra jolt of adrenaline you need to survive.
There are many reasons you may need to run. The classic is this:
Your Overlord has sent you to collect something or assassinate someone. You and your party have just settled down for the night. You've generously volunteered (ie, been forced) to take first watch.
Something rustles in the bushes.
Now, not being a complete idiot, you decide not to go and investigate. But what do you do? Waking your party up for a rabbit seems a bit daft. And there's no surer way to get killed than to show weakness or bad judgement.
That's when the ambush springs.
If your troops appear to be winning, it's important to be in the middle of the fight. You might even want to allow yourself to sustain a few light injuries - nothing movement-impairing - and pant a lot. But if, more likely, the ambush is successful and most of your men are killed in their sleep-befuddled state (NEVER allow them to become befuddled by other things. Drinking on duty is a terrible thing) then you'll want to flee into the darkness. You can return later to see what the damage was.
Now some of you may be asking, "Isn't this a bad idea? Running into the woods at night with no clue where you are?" Others, still, might want to know, "Isn't this a little too spineless? Shouldn't I rely more on my men?"
Excuse me while I hide a small and polite laugh behind my black-lace handkerchief and mark you on my "execute promptly" list. This is the kind of thinking that will get you killed.
Another situation you might find yourself in: What if the Overlord is right there in front of you? Perhaps in a face-off with the hero? The odds are in the hero's favor, and your survival isn't looking good. Worst of all, the comic relief or heroic sidekick is sizing you up (and vice versa).
Run.
Don't expect the villain to forget you running, but trust me, it's not worth sticking around. You can find an new Overlord, or become a shoemaker or a postman. It's better than getting killed and watching the Overlord step over your body as he incinerates the hero.
Another thing to consider is returning later on. The Overlord often will accept you back (with considerably less trust, of course) and life will continue on as normal in the black fortress of doom.
Or you'll die. That happens sometimes too.
If you need to, get out of the country. Cross an ocean, do whatever you need to in order to get out of there. Because sometimes groveling just doesn't work, and you're going to need all the time you can get in order to flee the Overlord's wrath.
~Headmistress Darke
That's why you need to make sure your minion shoes - whether they be part of your uniform, or of your own choosing - have very good grip, are not to burdensome, and will not sound too loud if you are fleeing into a forest.
One of the things I suggest is to never look back over your shoulder. This will slow you down. However, you think you are right about to be overtaken, a quick glance could give you that extra jolt of adrenaline you need to survive.
There are many reasons you may need to run. The classic is this:
Your Overlord has sent you to collect something or assassinate someone. You and your party have just settled down for the night. You've generously volunteered (ie, been forced) to take first watch.
Something rustles in the bushes.
Now, not being a complete idiot, you decide not to go and investigate. But what do you do? Waking your party up for a rabbit seems a bit daft. And there's no surer way to get killed than to show weakness or bad judgement.
That's when the ambush springs.
If your troops appear to be winning, it's important to be in the middle of the fight. You might even want to allow yourself to sustain a few light injuries - nothing movement-impairing - and pant a lot. But if, more likely, the ambush is successful and most of your men are killed in their sleep-befuddled state (NEVER allow them to become befuddled by other things. Drinking on duty is a terrible thing) then you'll want to flee into the darkness. You can return later to see what the damage was.
Now some of you may be asking, "Isn't this a bad idea? Running into the woods at night with no clue where you are?" Others, still, might want to know, "Isn't this a little too spineless? Shouldn't I rely more on my men?"
Excuse me while I hide a small and polite laugh behind my black-lace handkerchief and mark you on my "execute promptly" list. This is the kind of thinking that will get you killed.
Another situation you might find yourself in: What if the Overlord is right there in front of you? Perhaps in a face-off with the hero? The odds are in the hero's favor, and your survival isn't looking good. Worst of all, the comic relief or heroic sidekick is sizing you up (and vice versa).
Run.
Don't expect the villain to forget you running, but trust me, it's not worth sticking around. You can find an new Overlord, or become a shoemaker or a postman. It's better than getting killed and watching the Overlord step over your body as he incinerates the hero.
Another thing to consider is returning later on. The Overlord often will accept you back (with considerably less trust, of course) and life will continue on as normal in the black fortress of doom.
Or you'll die. That happens sometimes too.
If you need to, get out of the country. Cross an ocean, do whatever you need to in order to get out of there. Because sometimes groveling just doesn't work, and you're going to need all the time you can get in order to flee the Overlord's wrath.
~Headmistress Darke
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