Professional Arrogance

An interesting question of evil etiquette (no, it is not an oxymoron) has arisen lately.

How does one handle one's self in the undesirable position of being in the presence of a hero in a non-combat appropriate situation?

You would be surprised how often this happens. For example, quite often the hero and the Overlord are related or grew up together or otherwise were familiar with each other before this whole "evil" business started. What this invariably means is that there are going to be times when they cannot avoid each other, and cannot actively attempt to kill one another.

I grant you, these times are very rare and only effect Overlords who are not, in fact, Overlords at all - rather aspiring Overlords. Overlords who have successfully dominated the world rarely need to worry about social obligations.

But you as a minion do not have that luxury, and most aspiring Overlords don't either.

The first thing to remember, obviously enough, is not to start shooting (as tempting as it may be). This also applies to you Overlords out there.

Occasionally you will simply run into an opponent. If your Overlord is not present, you have a few decisions to make. For starters: Could you, in theory, take this enemy on in a fight?

If the answer is no, do whatever it takes to avoid fighting. Surrender, if you have to.

Or talk.

Obviously if you are in a public location with no hope of defeating the hero, fighting is not an acceptable answer. I recommend speaking with the respect of one working stiff to another. You are, as they say, off the clock. This may even be the correct time to learn important information about the hero through observation in a non-combat situation (something that, as a minion, you very rarely experience).

Alternately you could simply dodge behind the nearest tree, shelf, building or person and try to avoid eye contact. That works too.

~Headmistress Darke

Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)

Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.

Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.

Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.

There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).

This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.

Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.

Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.

Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.

Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).

Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.

And good luck.