Why do I need to do this...

This is, actually and rather unbelievably, an excuse for my silence of late. The reason for this is simply that my attention has been devoted to another project entirely.

And I am now ready to announce the Co-Verlord project.

An instructional comic detailing the typical examples used to depict rises to power. This particular story, which is of course COMPLETELY FICTIONAL (I believe nudge nudge wink wink is the correct phrase to use in these circumstances) details the course of the two Evil Overlords (Co Evil Overlords, Co-Verlords) who I am currently employed by.

While I can make no guarantees to the flawlessness of my artistic capabilities, the principle is sound and I believe shows a decent example of problems one may encounter as an Overlord, or as this blog focuses on, the servants of an Overlord (alas, many of these problems involve not being the central character, or even necessarily a support character).

I cannot guarantee you precisely when this comic will be instated, nor when a link to it will be posted. However, here is a black and white (the actual comic will be in color) teaser of an unfinished page.

And Now a Word from ME...

To begin with, I wish to inform you that there will be a slight Christmas break, although I cannot guarantee that lessons will not begin sporadically again on Christmas Eve, or day, or possibly even tomorrow. It depends when inspiration hits.

Evil waits for no one, after all.

Well, that's a slight lie. It'll be waiting on Christmas day, ironically because I'm going to be at church. The amusement this causes does not escape me.

 Please excuse me while I slip out of character.

Anyway, the plans for 2014 (dang. What happened to 2012? I'm too young for it to be 2014!) are as follows.

So I say, to all one of you reading this... Yes, I know you're there. Watching, always watching... You're evil. Well, I mean, obviously not evil enough or you wouldn't be reading this, but...

There is a slight possibility of an official comic involving the story of Moira Darke (or more specifically, the Co-verlords. This may make sense, if I actually get around to it).

The blog will, of course, continue to be updated. Hopefully more regularly, but I've promised you this before so clearly you cannot trust my word on anything.

With any luck, the upcoming blog posts will also involve art of some sort to, aha, illustrate my point. No more endless blocks of text. You're welcome.

I am also contemplating the possibility of recruiting one of the local Overlords to begin his own blog of instructions. Perhaps I'll even get the hero to do it. As far as I'm aware, we don't have any sidekicks around here, but I'm sure I could scrounge something up. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

So there you have it. You also have your first time talking to me and not to Moira Darke. I also feel the need (it's that bloody Christmas Spirit thing, isn't it...? Fortunately, I am immune) to remind readers that I am, in fact, not evil, and you probably shouldn't be unless you're really, really good at it and promise to give me Australia and Hokkaido when you take over the world.

Happy Christmas
-Me

When Captive

There are many times in the life of a head minion that one finds one's self in a situation less than pleasing. Occasionally it's something like the dishwasher breaking down or accidentally causing the end of civilization as we know it or the Overlord beating you over the head with his Scepter of Evil Destiny.

But occasionally it's something really bad. And one of those circumstances is being captured by the hero, or the hero's organization.

This is somewhat the reversal of my last two lessons; this isn't about how to handle yourself when attempting an interrogation. This is about how to handle your captors when they are performing an interrogation.

When given a choice, it is always better to be captured by the hero, as opposed to the hero's organization or the resistance. Usually the hero has a more defined sense of morality, and that is something you can use to your advantage, whereas the organization he works for tends to be more militarized, which is always unpleasant.

The first thing you've got to decide on is whether or not you want to spill your Overlord's secrets or not. It's doubtful that the hero will torture you, but his organization will probably not have a problem with a few red-hot pokers and that sort of thing. Let's examine the pros and cons of giving in.

Pros: Well, for an obvious start, you don't get tortured. Remember, these are "good guys" and consequently, they will behave that way. This means that if you don't withhold information from them, they won't cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain.

Also, they may end up giving you a job. Since (I am assuming) your Overlord probably doesn't want you back after, y'know, betraying him and suchlike, you should probably consider this option or else go into dentistry or fastfood working.

Also, number three, you may simply want to do the right thing. That's always a possibility, if not a probability. Think about it.

Cons: The most obvious and pressing one is that you face a very unpleasant time. Even if they don't kill you and the like, they will almost certainly not take your rebellion lightly.

Then there comes the fact that your Overlord will want to murder you, and that is not a happy condition. If you're too minor to reveal all his deepest secrets, then it probably doesn't matter very much, but if you are high ranking on the henchman chain, then you'll want to consider this carefully.

The pros and cons are pretty even, really. Take your decision carefully.

If the hero doesn't want information, and instead just wants another pawn out of the game, keep your head down. Don't offend him, or his sidekick, or anyone else for that matter. Just be quiet and meek. If you find an opportunity to escape, examine it carefully. What may seem like an opportunity to escape may, in fact, be an opportunity for the cooks to make food for one less prisoner. Watch your step.

While in the prison complex (or possibly tied to a tree in the hero's camp, if he's a lone-wolf sort of fellow and doesn't have a proper jail cell) make sure to do everything possible to avoid your fellow prisoners. Chances are, the inmates will not be your friends.

Think about it. If you've sold out and they haven't, you will be a traitor to them. If you haven't sold out and they have, you'll want to report them to the Overlord upon your escape and thus get a possible promotion. Either way, you are now enemies.

The natural conclusion here is that if you cannot avoid other inmates, then at the very least, don't talk about anything except the weather or your favorite type of death ray with them. It isn't worth the tension.

And finally, I advise you to befriend the guards. Even if he doesn't trust you (and any guard worth his keyring and sleeping drugs won't trust you) it never hurts to have him on your side.

Good luck, minions, and try to keep from being a captive.

~Headmistress Darke

The Art of Trudgery

I'm sure all low-ranking minions can remember fondly the feeling of trudging in the ranks of an army of terror, while your Overlord rode in style on the popular vehicle of his choice and time. While he simply lounges in his vehicle, possibly watching videos of the most amusing times his minions have died, you are ankle deep in sludge, carrying weapons on your back, and trying to think happy thoughts (although I would not recommend mentioning this to your Overlord. Happy thoughts are neither encouraged nor acceptable for a minion. Try thinking about kicking puppies and stealing candy from small children instead).

This, however, needn't be as uncomfortable as it sounds.

For example, it is unlikely that you are under much supervision at this time. The highest ranking minions will also not be trudging, though they won't be in the limo with the overlord (personally, I hear unicycles are a trendy option, although most end up in vehicles that are not powered by themselves).

Since you aren't going to be watched by your superiors at all times, there are definitely things you can get away with. I recommend coughing up some of your pathetic salary for an iPod or Mp3 player. If you think you're going to get caught, hide it under your uniform. It's easier if you have long hair or a hood to hide the earbuds with. Be sure to keep the volume low enough that you can hear in case anyone screams at you.

Thermal underwear is another good idea when you're trudging in cold weather. It's thin enough that it can hide under your uniform relatively simply, provided you aren't the sort of minion wearing skintight leather - which really is highly impractical.

Good boots are also a necessity. Even when trudging a short distance, hiking boots will significantly decrease blisters and sores.

Drink plenty of water. If your Overlord is particularly theatrical, then he will undoubtedly want evil cheers/jeers when you encounter the opposing forces.

Sing-alongs while on the road are not recommended. Overlords are tetchy, and you don't want to be known as someone spreading cheer among the ranks.

Stay comfortable, my loyal students, and remember that going to war is a serious business. I cannot urge you strongly enough to keep your head down (but not too far down or you'll end up with a neck-ache) and do not make trouble while on the road, because while normally this would earn you a mere flogging, on the move things are much more serious. So trudge, don't prance, and above all, maintain a shielding level of cynicism.

Homework assignment: What is the fashion in which to carry one's self while trudging?

~Headmistress Darke

Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)

A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.

However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.

I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:

1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.

This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.

2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.

For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.

3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.

This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).

4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.

You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.

5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.

Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.

6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.

Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all.  Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.

Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.

This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.

~Headmistress Darke

Welcome to Moira Darke's School for Minions

The school term is a tad difficult when you live my life. Combined with trying to undermine the political situation to make it simpler for my Overlord to take over the world, building death rays, laser beams, freeze rays, etc., and of course trying to maintain this faculty of one.

Over the past few months, this has taken its toll on the school. The few lessons you have received have not been up to the usual standards of the school.

Note: I am considering hiring my own minions to write the lessons. It would save a considerable amount of time, and I'm sure you wouldn't notice any change in quality. Probably.

So I ask you to think of the past few months as a holiday, a late summer vacation - because we are back in business.

That is all.

~Headmistress Darke

Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)

Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.

Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.

Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.

There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).

This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.

Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.

Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.

Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.

Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).

Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.

And good luck.

What We Do

Ethical Evil is an oxymoron, of course, and the purpose of this academy is not to teach you how to become a hero (although I'm sure you'll find some sort of instruction on that. It's a more more socially acceptable subject).

Nonetheless, every person has boundaries, whether we realize them or not. There's always a line that we will not cross, and this line is individual for each person.

I am speaking of the fabled Code.

A personal code is a man's (man here referring not to a human of the male gender but the race of man. Go read LOTR) greatest strength.

The purpose of this lesson is not to teach you how to become a hero; and nor is it how to develop your personal values.

This lesson is on how to exploit other people's.

This does not necessarily involve sacrificing your own personal ethical beliefs (if it does, you're in the wrong line of work), and it is a necessary part of staying alive and best serving your Overlord. The ability to manipulate other people's feelings and emotions is best suited to those of you not following, say, the hulking thug line of work, but even then, it is a good thing to be capable of.

For example, dealing with the hero is much easier if you have captured, say, an innocent child from the neighboring village.

Headmistress note: In case you're worried about violating your own personal code and dislike kidnapping small children, giving them five dollars and a handful of candy in exchange for sitting at the Overlord's feet looking scared is always an acceptable option. With a large enough budget, bribing the parents to scream "Not my baby!" or something similar at the hero while chained to the wall is also worthwhile.

Because the hero will probably not be able to rationalize the logical thought process that saving the entire human race is worth more than one family, he will usually accept the fact that there is nothing he can do and either flee or allow himself to be captured (or possibly try to rescue the family. This is an excellent time to let the troops practice their marksmanship).

And on that rather short lesson, I bid you adieu for the time. Please bear in mind that, with some luck, lessons should increase sometime in October. As I've said before, I would apologize for my lateness, but I really don't care.

A Thing to Consider, Part 2

The finish-up lesson from my previous post.

We've already covered some ways to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him. So we're moving on to the more important subject - how to not to tell your Overlord that you can no longer serve him.

More specifically, we will be discussing necessary precautions to keep the Overlord from tracking you down and making you very, very uncomfortable.

First of all, there's the issue of names and identities.

When choosing a false name, please have some common sense. Choosing a name that is based off of your previous name, occupation, family or Overlord, is, without a doubt, completely idiotic. Please, be creative.

Also, you'll need an occupation. Nothing too obvious, but then again - if you seem like someone with no ambition, that also might be a little too obvious. Try, for example, to rise up to a decent level in the career ladder of say, an office supply store. That said, managing billion dollar corporations is a bad idea that attracts too much attention.

Also, there's the matter of family and friends. If you have a suspicion that your Overlord will take time out of his busy schedule to make you suffer, don't get married (if you already are, take care to have your spouse keep the same discreet lifestyle), don't have children, and don't, above all, contact relatives.

Do, however, keep up an active social life, because nothing says suspicious like the crazy person living next door who refuses to talk to anyone not delivering pizza.

What to do if the Overlord actively pursues you?

First of all, if he's definitely after you, it's because you inconvenienced him by leaving. Unless he's a true nutcase (always a possibility) he's probably not going to go after you for no reason. Do you know critical information? Have you had contact with the hero?

Well, in circumstances like that, your best bet is to join up with the hero. If he's after you, laying low won't work so well. Heroism is unpleasant, to be sure, but the hero is more likely to forgive you than the villain is.

For starters, if the hero wants to punish you, he throws you in jail. If the villain wants to punish you, some day people might find the pieces.

Plus, there are advantages to working for heroes. For example, if they take over the world, they're less likely to scream at you all the time and have you kneel when he/she is in a bad mood.

But, after all this I must tell you that the only sure way not to get tracked down and killed is to not leave at all, or, if you really aren't cut out for this line of work, just don't start in the first place.

And now, go out and be terrible little minions.

~Headmistress Darke

A Thing to Consider, Part 1

Hello, my students.

You may have noticed my silence over these past few months. I will attempt to remedy this, not the least because someone actually left a comment, proving that, on occasion, people may actually read this. It may be because they heard about it from me, or decided for whatever reason to Google a cheap source of slave labor to build their death ray, or it may be because they just happened to click on the wrong link.

I don't care. Views are views.

Apologies over. Moving on...

The topic I've chosen to address in today's lesson is one that I may or may not have briefly addressed before, and that is this:

What is the proper etiquette for telling your Overlord that you wish to leave?

Of course, the easiest, and often safest way, is not to tell him at all. We will discuss this more in the second part of this class.

First of all, there are things to consider. Namely, why are you leaving in the first place?

Often the Overlord is simply insane. This is not necessarily a bad thing; most of the best villains are. However, if you begin to fear for your sanity - you are, simply put, in the wrong line of work.

Telling your Overlord this, though, if he is likely to go into a psychotic rage, can be an intimidating prospect. There are several ideal situations. For example, if I were faced with such a situation, my dialogue would probably go something like this, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett:

Hypothetical Me: "Permission to leave for grandmother's funeral?"

Hypothetical Overlord: "Why?"

Hypothetical Me: "It's her or me."

Or, if that sounds like the perfect way to get yourself smote, try simply lying and telling him you're going somewhere else.

You can also tell your Overlord exactly why you want to leave. Perhaps you'll catch him in a good mood, and he'll let you go with nothing but a generous severance package. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll catch him in a less good mood, and he'll let you go with a less-than-generous severance package (sometimes it's best not to imagine what precisely is being severed).

So honestly is not always the best policy.


Which brings us to another possible reason for your desire to leave evil service: Morals. Perhaps you have decided to leave because you don't feel comfortable serving evil any longer.

Leave immediately, and without any attempts to persuade your former Overlord from his wicked ways. There's plenty of time for that via email or long-distance phone calls. I will not address this very much, for the simple reason that chances of survival for you aren't so great.


Good luck, and this topic should return with the next lesson.

As always, go darken the world like a little shadow of evil.

~Headmistress Darke

My, my... Some recognition at last.

Well, not personal recognition. I remain in delightful obscurity. Or less than delightful obscurity.

I am not bitter.

Much.

I had, in fact, been growing less interested in my beloved school. Evil seemed to leave me for these past months.... I have, for no reason beside a sunny day or a kind word from the strange creatures called friends, been feeling cheerful. Oh, woe is me; cheerful without even blowing anything up.

Until I was browsing the blog of Stellar Four, located at this link HERE, and saw their latest blog post, located at this link HERE. Thank you to the ladies at Stellar Four.

Their blog led me to Evil Supply Co. at this last link HERE where the first thing that caught my attention was that they have merit badges for Overlords - and for minions.

Yes, you heard that correctly. We have recognition! I mean, Overlords are always used to brushing minions aside until they need us to do some dirty word - and everyone thinks of us as less. I mean, I capitalize Overlord but not minion! Even I fall pray to the whims of society, such as it is.

But at least we have some recognition, and now the perfect way to show you are proud of being a minion is to go and proudly wear one of these badges on your Dark Robe of Evil.

(Of course, one might argue that you cannot wear an evil merit badge - or as I like to think of them, de-merit badges - unless you actually do recognize a hero in disguise or work with evil robots, but hey; you're evil.)

So go and spend any money you may or may not have (banks are usually a good place to start, and you've been dying to test out that new ray gun) on all sorts of lovely evil trinkets and cards from the site. While you're at it, be sure to check out Stellar Four, because I ripped off their blog post without permission and I do not want to be sued.

Note to Stellar Four: Please do not sue me. It has been established that I am mildly evil, but not deserving of any real punishment.

 In fact, when it comes down to it, ripping off someone's blog is the most evil thing I've done in recent times.

And I even gave them credit, at what is PROBABLY THIS LAST LINK HERE.

I think I'll go slam my head against my desk a few times.

What goes around comes around

When I was younger I had no idea what that phrase meant. It was something my parents said, but let's be honest about this - at that age, when your parents talk, it all comes out as "ner ner ner."

But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.

People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.

For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.

Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?

Because if so, I would advise not  getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.

What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.

The Little things in Life

I was just thinking, today, about all the little things we minions are not credited with.

Well, there's the obvious things, of course; the fact that we're the only ones who get anything done, the way we spend our whole lives (often not a great period of time, I might add) serving our Overlords, the way we're so good at oiling the trap door hinges.

But there are all sorts of things we don't receive proper recognition for. Let's look at some of those, shall we?

Style! That's actually a large one. We're expected to maintain certain standards of dress and speech - for example, how do you think those hulking thugs got so good at grunting? Practice, of course.

The style of the minion defines them. As I've mentioned before, to be a good minion, you usually have to place yourself in one of the categories (thug, secretary, guard #27, etc.) and it takes work to achieve that status. For example, the thug has to learn to scuff up his shoes before wearing them, and the sycophant - do you think it's easy to spend that much time thinking up compliments?

Weapons training. Oh, that takes time. And again, as a matter of style you have to chose the perfect weapon for your class.

Humility. The whole point of being a minion is to publicly admit that you have no interest in taking over the world (whether that's true or not is up to you). You have to accept the fact that you'll be scorned and laughed at, and accused of having no ambition. You may even be imprisoned or otherwise punished for something you didn't do because you're a convenient scapegoat.

Sheer mundane work. Do you think an Overlord matches his own socks up? Or vacuums his own evil lair? Or throws his own corpses into the moat? I think not. Even if you hate cooking, cleaning, or disposing of evidence, you do it anyway, because it's your job.

Bills and taxes. Of course, if your Overlord has already taken over the world, it's not that big a deal. You can hire your own minions to do the math. However, for most of us, it's more difficult. Your wanna-be Overlord has to purchase all those death ray components and hire all those minions, and who ends up having to figure up where to get the funds? You do, of course. Well, if you're a hulking thug you may get out of that. But for everyone else, you're out of luck. Bring a calculator.

~Headmistress Darke

Something to Avoid, Part 1

This is a very important subject for those of you who are dumb enough to become hulking thugs (not that all thugs are dumb, of course - just most). If you aren't incredibly dumb, you probably don't need to read this, but I suggest you do anyway.

Don't fall in love with your boss. He is evil.

I mean, please. 

How often has it happened? The minion falls in love with the Overlord, and serves him all the more willingly for it.

Let's face facts, people. If you think the Overlord is falling in love with you, you are being manipulated. Anyone ever watched, for example Harry Potter?

Or perhaps Doctor Who?

What do Chip and Bellatrix have in common?

They fell in love with their master/mistress. And what happened? Why, they died. They were merely pawns. Valuable pawns, perhaps, but pawns nonetheless.

It's happened countless times, people. And when has it actually ended well?

Given a choice on this blog, I will always give advice for the minion's benefit, not the Overlord's (unless they are the same at the time). So believe me when I tell you that this is a stupid idea.

Please excuse the little rant.

Homework: Give me more examples of stupid minions falling for their Overlords/masters/mistresses.

~Headmistress Darke

For those suffering from stress...

You should try this. 

Evil Link Here

I actually preferred it when it was shaped like a giant, red, explosion-causing button - but it still performs the same function. It's for those select few Overlords who cannot laugh evilly without assistance. It also is a very good stress reliever for minions.

Just press it a few dozen times and wait for the cares of the day to melt away!

~Headmistress Darke

Weaponry

I apologize, my loyal minions (or I would, if I really cared) about my silence these past few weeks. I'd give an excuse, but I was just too busy to think of one.

Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.

Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.

A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.

Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.

As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.

But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.

Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?


Glad to hear it.


Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.

~Headmistress Darke

And a Happy (but not entirely) New Year

Well, 2012 is pretty much over and done. For some, this may be a good thing, others, not so much. I don't really care.

I'm feeling pretty good about the upcoming year, actually. For starters, it's 2013. Emphasis on the 13. Lucky number, right? Or not...

So, what are you going to do this upcoming year? Any great resolutions to fail to keep? Perhaps you have plans to stop drinking coffee or lose twenty pounds or destroy the earth using a gigantic superlaser from outer-space.

These are all good and respectable goals, but we have to be realistic: There's no way you're ever going to  lay off the coffee.

Choosing a new year's resolution can be very good for you. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment from failing to honor you resolution. It will make you a much better minion, too. All Overlords look for minions with low self-esteem.

For example, this year one of my many resolutions (I never make less than two. That way it drags out the pain.) is to keep a journal. The reason? Well, for Christmas I received a copy of the Diary of River Song. That way I can keep records of my evildoings in a physical journal instead of the internet.

The trick to choosing a resolution is to make it possible. It's no good if it's totally unobtainable - if you fail, it should be your own fault. That said, sometimes through sheer force of will, you can actually achieve your goal.

For example, a reasonable idea would be to donate all your to assorted minion-related schools. Or perhaps just devote your time to creating dozens of blogger accounts and using them to become scores of duplicate students and give me lots of views.  But those are just ideas.

The Golden Rule

I've heard two versions of the Golden Rule.

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

And the golden rule of "Whoever has the gold makes the rules."

Yes, I am aware that quoting a children's movie perhaps is not the best way to show how evil you are. But let's be fair about it! Those classic villains are the ones who modeled the later term of evil.

I mean, the classical children's stories modeled how to be an Overlord and still have fun.

But there's something to consider about those classical minions. For example, why are they all so stupid?

Let's face it, people, we aren't exactly known for our brains. We aren't stupid, but so many of our most famous members are. Most minions aren't stupid, but we still hear about Hotep and Huy. Most people aren't stupid, but we still hear about the Kardashians. Idiots will always be heard of.

Why are minions always  thought of as the idiots? In the past, I have told you that it's best to seem like an idiot at all times, particularly if you're a Vicious Thug or a Cowering Sycophant.

Perhaps, though, the time has come to destroy these stereotypes. Why not introduce the world to a new breed of minions - the smart ones?

So the next time your Overlord commands you to, say, patrol around a dark warehouse in some kind of port to guard his object of power when you know there is a troop of ninjas after it, why don't you suggest he simply move it to a discreet bank somewhere?

Yeah, you might get killed, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

It's time people realized that just because we aren't Overlords does NOT mean we are stupid. So next time you get the chance, prove it.

~Headmistress Darke

How To Respond to Humiliation, Or, My Overlord Has No Ego

Oh, there are all sorts of terrible things that could happen to you if you try to protest against stupid requests or humiliating rebukes. For example, you might find yourself several feet from your head.

At times when he is stressed, your Overlord may tell you to do something you'd rather not; kneel, perhaps, or bring him coffee. He might even throw wine/coffee/drink of his choice in your face or spill something purposefully and  order you to clean it up. How do you respond in situations like these? Where do you draw your line?

As a minion, there should be no line to draw. Your job is to do whatever he wants, whether it be fight off a hero's sidekick or stand there like a pillar while he laughs at you. But in reality, there are indeed things that you should draw the line at.

For example, you should never - and I repeat, NEVER, sweep the castle floor. That may sound obvious, especially if you are a hulking thug. But washing windows or beating carpets - well, that is the ultimate sign that you are not appreciated. When you are told to do the laundry, you aren't a minion; you are a servant, and that is Not a Good Thing.

But what to do in order to gain more respect?

Well, there are obvious things. For example, you could simply flee. If you are not respected enough, then the Overlord will not attempt to track you down. He'll hate you, maybe. But not bother with you any more. You might even try joining the hero, or finding a new Overlord.

What about being told to call your Overlord Master, Mistress, Supreme Excellency, etc.?

Well, do it. Same with kneeling. This shows that your Overlord is experiencing insecurities. That is a dangerous thing. It means he will try to prove something. So cower in fear if you need to; keep him feeling good about himself.

The normal way to show your submission is to avert your eyes and look scared. If you're really worried about the instability of your Overlord's ego, then try kneeling when you see him. Call him master if you need to.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is that minions do not have pride. So just give it up. The Overlord's ego should flourish; yours should shrivel up.

Surrendering

I don't know if this is technically classified as a Part Two from my last post (When To Run Away) but it's on a similar subject: When do you surrender to the hero?

Keeping yourself alive is always a perk in this business. In any business, really. You shouldn't let your pride get in the way of keeping yourself out of trouble, and spending a few years in prison is a small price to pay relative to finding yourself in separate pieces.

But as is suggested by the Evil Overlord List (Peter's Evil Overlord List. If you haven't read it by now, you should. Even if you don't think you'll ever achieve Overlord status, it'll help you stay alive)

 "No. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."

Again to quote the List, No. 174 "If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution."

Oftentimes the hero (being, you know, heroic) will offer to spare you if you recant your evil ways. And you know what? That's actually an option. No, I don't mean pretending to convert, I mean actually legitimately repenting for all your wicked ways. You may still have to suffer some consequences, but no one said this minion thing had to be a lifetime gig.

(Note: It often is a lifetime gig, but that's only because you don't live very long.)

Or you can do the typical thing; surrender and, as soon as possible, get out of there. Heck, sometimes the hero or his party will even heal and feed you first.

But bear in mind, it's best not to be in debt. Depending on your class (hulking thugs don't have to worry about this, but many people do) you may actually have some obligation. The Overlord wants minions with some - no matter how minute - kind of honor code. So beware giving yourself up in order to survive.

If you can, escape. But above all, DO NOT LET THE OVERLORD'S SPY SEE YOU. He'll carry tales to the Overlord, and you'll end up executed for treason.

If you're the sycophant kind of minion, you're in particularly deep trouble. You're already suspected of being a two-faced henchmen - don't make it worse by aiding/accepting aid from the hero. I know I advise this a lot, but you'll want to get out of there if that's the case.

If you're the secretary sort of minion, then you'll probably be okay. Just look sufficiently drained and exhausted when you show up at the fortress again and tell of how you had to crawl through three miles of thorns and fight a bull with your bare hands to get back. Obviously the Overlord will, sooner or later, discover the truth. Hopefully by that time you've earned enough money to retire comfortably.

~Headmistress Darke