The Little things in Life

I was just thinking, today, about all the little things we minions are not credited with.

Well, there's the obvious things, of course; the fact that we're the only ones who get anything done, the way we spend our whole lives (often not a great period of time, I might add) serving our Overlords, the way we're so good at oiling the trap door hinges.

But there are all sorts of things we don't receive proper recognition for. Let's look at some of those, shall we?

Style! That's actually a large one. We're expected to maintain certain standards of dress and speech - for example, how do you think those hulking thugs got so good at grunting? Practice, of course.

The style of the minion defines them. As I've mentioned before, to be a good minion, you usually have to place yourself in one of the categories (thug, secretary, guard #27, etc.) and it takes work to achieve that status. For example, the thug has to learn to scuff up his shoes before wearing them, and the sycophant - do you think it's easy to spend that much time thinking up compliments?

Weapons training. Oh, that takes time. And again, as a matter of style you have to chose the perfect weapon for your class.

Humility. The whole point of being a minion is to publicly admit that you have no interest in taking over the world (whether that's true or not is up to you). You have to accept the fact that you'll be scorned and laughed at, and accused of having no ambition. You may even be imprisoned or otherwise punished for something you didn't do because you're a convenient scapegoat.

Sheer mundane work. Do you think an Overlord matches his own socks up? Or vacuums his own evil lair? Or throws his own corpses into the moat? I think not. Even if you hate cooking, cleaning, or disposing of evidence, you do it anyway, because it's your job.

Bills and taxes. Of course, if your Overlord has already taken over the world, it's not that big a deal. You can hire your own minions to do the math. However, for most of us, it's more difficult. Your wanna-be Overlord has to purchase all those death ray components and hire all those minions, and who ends up having to figure up where to get the funds? You do, of course. Well, if you're a hulking thug you may get out of that. But for everyone else, you're out of luck. Bring a calculator.

~Headmistress Darke

Weaponry

I apologize, my loyal minions (or I would, if I really cared) about my silence these past few weeks. I'd give an excuse, but I was just too busy to think of one.

Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.

Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.

A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.

Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.

As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.

But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.

Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?


Glad to hear it.


Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.

~Headmistress Darke