Co-Verlords

It has been over a month since I announced that a webcomic detailing certain life experiences has been released, and now it is finally here.

I won't spent much time discussing this now (except, perhaps, a wee bit of gloating), and instead will simply leave you with this link.

Co-Verlords: The Comic

the Etiquette of Understatement

This is, my apprentice minions, yet another lesson discussing the basics of Overlord/Minion relationships and manners.

Something that has recently been brought to my attention is the growing concern that too much of minionhood is about simply avoiding death and dodging hero attacks. But we cannot all be action heroes; for a start, nothing would actually get done.

 Obsidian fortresses of death are all well and good, but who sweeps the floor? Who cleans the torture rooms? Who brings the Overlord coffee and then washes the dishes?

To be honest, the concise answer is this: you do.

Or rather, not you personally (if you do, you may consider a different Overlord). This school's curriculum is geared towards those who are not simply minions, but are the head of minions. Consider yourself the butler. You do the tasks that require interaction with the Overlord, and you delegate the others to minions lower on the ladder of command (in general, when minioning, the easiest position is at the head of the ladder, and the safest is just below that).

For example, you will bring the Overlord coffee (for the record, my current Overlord prefers hot chocolate. If I mysteriously stop posting after this, I have probably been smote by his evil wrath. It will certainly prove whether or not he reads this blog. Likewise, the other Overlord who works with the firsts Overlord - they're Co-verlords - prefers gummy bears).

Besides bringing the Overlord the favored beverage of his choice, you will also undoubtedly be the one chauffeuring him to all his evil appointments like the nuclear warhead shop and the company that he plans on blackmailing into funding his excursions to the nuclear warhead shop. You'd be surprised how expensive taking over the world can be.

And where are you during these negotiations? Why, you are nowhere at all. You are simply standing discreetly behind your Overlord, carrying whatever paperwork or deadly weapons he made need, and not saying a word.*

Likewise, when cleaning the evil fortress, you must make sure to never be obvious while doing so. It's fine to be sweeping the floor in the background, but not while the Overlord is entertaining guests or possibly torturing them.

You must also make sure that your methods of hiding in plain sight, so to speak, means that you will rarely be noticed even by the Overlord. For example, if the hero mysteriously escapes his prison, chances are quite evil (the word good was not appropriate here) that your Overlord will fly into a rage and want someone to murder brutally. It is advisable that it isn't you.

This is why a uniform for the staff is a good idea. If every single person in the fortress and the evil army is wearing something identical, and the Overlord is the only person singled out, you stand a much better chance of avoiding the notice of people who wish to do harm.

Keep out of the Overlord's way, and clean up his messes. That is the duty you have gotten yourself into.

~Headmistress Darke

*

Side note: The exception to this rule is, of course, to the hulking thug variety of minion, who must look as indiscreet as possible. He needs to be noticed (I here say he, because the hulking thug is hardly ever female). The trouble he has, however, is looking terrifying while not washing out the Overlord's aura of evil menace.

The Art of Trudgery

I'm sure all low-ranking minions can remember fondly the feeling of trudging in the ranks of an army of terror, while your Overlord rode in style on the popular vehicle of his choice and time. While he simply lounges in his vehicle, possibly watching videos of the most amusing times his minions have died, you are ankle deep in sludge, carrying weapons on your back, and trying to think happy thoughts (although I would not recommend mentioning this to your Overlord. Happy thoughts are neither encouraged nor acceptable for a minion. Try thinking about kicking puppies and stealing candy from small children instead).

This, however, needn't be as uncomfortable as it sounds.

For example, it is unlikely that you are under much supervision at this time. The highest ranking minions will also not be trudging, though they won't be in the limo with the overlord (personally, I hear unicycles are a trendy option, although most end up in vehicles that are not powered by themselves).

Since you aren't going to be watched by your superiors at all times, there are definitely things you can get away with. I recommend coughing up some of your pathetic salary for an iPod or Mp3 player. If you think you're going to get caught, hide it under your uniform. It's easier if you have long hair or a hood to hide the earbuds with. Be sure to keep the volume low enough that you can hear in case anyone screams at you.

Thermal underwear is another good idea when you're trudging in cold weather. It's thin enough that it can hide under your uniform relatively simply, provided you aren't the sort of minion wearing skintight leather - which really is highly impractical.

Good boots are also a necessity. Even when trudging a short distance, hiking boots will significantly decrease blisters and sores.

Drink plenty of water. If your Overlord is particularly theatrical, then he will undoubtedly want evil cheers/jeers when you encounter the opposing forces.

Sing-alongs while on the road are not recommended. Overlords are tetchy, and you don't want to be known as someone spreading cheer among the ranks.

Stay comfortable, my loyal students, and remember that going to war is a serious business. I cannot urge you strongly enough to keep your head down (but not too far down or you'll end up with a neck-ache) and do not make trouble while on the road, because while normally this would earn you a mere flogging, on the move things are much more serious. So trudge, don't prance, and above all, maintain a shielding level of cynicism.

Homework assignment: What is the fashion in which to carry one's self while trudging?

~Headmistress Darke

Interrogation Etiquette (Part 2)

This is a continuation of the previous discussion on interrogation room procedures. Please, read the other lesson here.

This lesson will discuss more in range of interrogation tips.

1: The hero should be kept completely immobile. This includes neck, wrist, ankle and waist straps. The room should be empty of... well, everything, really. Keep all your implements of torture/important files/your afternoon snack on a special cart, or in a locked safe that is out of the hero's range of vision.

2: When the Overlord is personally attending the torture room, flank him immediately to his right (unless you are a lower-ranking minion, in which case left; if left is not available, stand behind the part, between the Overlord and the right-hand minion). This creates a slightly more foreboding atmosphere, and ambiance is important.

3: If the hero somehow escapes or is set free from his bonds, make sure that there are alert guards standing nearby; one facing the hero, the other facing the entrance to the torture room. I strongly suggest security cameras. Oh, and provide coffee for the guards. Guarding is a rough job, and it will help keep them alert. Snacks are not suggested, and the hero is not entitled to anything, no matter how pathetically he asks.

4: Which brings us to another point; the proper care and feeding of prisoners awaiting interrogation. Irregular feeding can create the illusion that time is passing slower/faster than it actually is, and may decrease the hero's mental state faster. A bland, but nutritious meal is best.

5: The hero does not need full use of his hands to eat. I cannot overemphasize the stupidity in falling for his pleas to at least allow him the dignity of feeding himself. He does not need to feed himself. He certainly does not need dignity; it's likely he already has an ego. Rather, you should assign a low ranking minion to hand feed him, or, if it is within your duties, feed him yourself.

6: Do not feed him if you are an attractive member of the alternate gender (or if the hero is gay. We are open minded about evil here at MS). Likewise, assign minions and guards of the same gender who are not particularly attractive.

And 7: Use your heads. The hero should not be kept in a rose garden (although the bafflement might be a good tactic). Whether or not it is unnecessarily cruel, the hero is a prisoner, and should be treated as thus. Don't make his stay as that of a five-star hotel. As I previously stated, ambiance is important.

Good luck with your interrogations, little minions. Make your Overlords proud.

~Headmistress Darke

Interrogation Etiquette (part 1)

A good Head Minion is similar to a butler; you are the servant closest to the Overlord. His right-hand man, so to speak (or, in my - and possibly your - case, woman). You take care of the direct service, but you also have the responsibility to delegate to others.

However, one important task which you should personally take care of is the interrogation of prisoners. And it may surprise you to learn that there are sets of rules that apply to this as well as any other task of evil.

I will list them, first condensed and then in more detail, as follows:

1: Do not cause more harm than necessary.

This is because, if the typical laws of fiction hold true, then eventually the hero will escape and justice will be served. You're all familiar with what happens to the minion who takes great pleasure in torturing people; he gets, as they say, what he deserves. So don't giggle with malicious pleasure every time someone is branded, whipped, flogged, or injected with deadly venom; rather, treat the situation with a degree of calm professionalism. If the hero doesn't think you're enjoying this, you stand a better chance of survival.

2: If the hero tells you exactly what you need to know, and it suits your tastes precisely, it is very probably a lie.

For example, if you are about to break his fingers or tap him with a red-hot poker, and he suddenly shouts out "No, don't! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" and this same hero has, in the past, experienced far worse suffering, don't take his word for it.

3: However, if you are convinced he is telling the truth, do not carry on torturing him.

This comes back to rule 1. Continuous torture is pointless and cruel (for those of you who think that is the point of being evil, you are mistaken).

4. If you intend to execute the prisoner after his interrogation, then bring a gun, or other suitably lethal, instantaneous weapon with you into the torture chamber/interrogation room.

You should also keep this weapon hidden, because no self-respecting hero is going to give you solid information if he knows he is going to die right away.

5. Torture should be kept to a minimum, if possible. It is messy and not very effective. Bribery often works better, or blackmail. Keeping a hostage to ensure your hero's cooperation is a good substitue.

Once again, this comes back to rule one. The hero will not want to cooperate with you or your Overlord if you cause damage that is irreparable. For example, red-hot pokers and knives is much more appropriate than, say, cutting off limbs or blinding your enemy.

6. If possible, keep your Overlord out of it.

Unless he is personally conducting the interrogation, then he should not be participating at all.  Heroes need consistency in their discipline. Too many authority figures can confuse them, and make training difficult.

Or perhaps that's dogs. Either way, politely suggest to your Overlord that he let you handle it, or take over himself. It will make it quite a lot faster. Bear in mind that another advantage to having your Overlord stay out of is is that the hero is less likely to try the whole "spit in your enemy's eye" stunt, which is sure to get him killed in a fit of rage. So unless your Overlord is likely to kill you, ask him to stay out of it.

This concludes part 1 of the multi-part lesson on interrogation. Our next segment will focus more on the environment you will be conducting these interrogations in.

~Headmistress Darke

Choose Thy Enemies (Or Let Someone Else)

Hello, my little minionlings. Today I am going to discuss something that I need to permeate into your thick skulls ("Thick skulls here being used as a generic derogatory insult, in no way intending to lower your self-esteem more than this career choice already has) before it gets you killed.

Going above and beyond the call of duty is something that sets apart the mundane from the elite. Not, however, in the way that it does in most career paths. Exceeding expectations is only something that novices do in this job.

Why risk your life for the same pay? And consider the implications.

There are two risks. One, that you will get in over your head; I.E., that you decide to take down the Hero and end up dying, which is not worth Average Minion Wage ($8.50/hr and potential rule of a minor country of Overlord's choice).

This is obviously not a good thing. Choose your enemies, and choose well; otherwise you will not be alive long enough to pass on your knowledge to others. If the target you're going after has killed dozens of people your equal or superior, do not take him/her/it on.

Likewise, do not engage in activities well beyond your capacities if there is someone more adept to carry out this task. Don't, for example, try to hack into the hero's computer files that come equipped with a self-destruct designed to trigger if you mess up one out of fifty thousand lines of code if there is a trained hacker in the building - this will not endear you to your Overlord, it will simply make you look incompetent.

Which leads to our next hazard; failure that is NOT fatal (or at least, not immediately). For example, designing a superweapon for the Overlord without his express orders. Or interrogating a prisoner he wanted to join his cause willingly. Or killing someone with crucial information.

Do you really think this will make your Overlord want to pay you Upper Minion Wage ($10.50/hr and a minor country of your choice)? No, it simply isn't worth the risk.

Choose your enemies well, or let your Overlord. Don't try to be heroes (or whatever the evil equivalent of someone who aides a goal despite personal risk).

Don't be heroes.
Don't be dead.

And good luck.

The Rally

Some weeks ago, I was approached by Megan S, of Stellar Four, and asked whether I would like to do guest blog post on the topic of evil.

Additional note: There are some rumors about the fact that I was asked to do this despite my blog's lack of attention, and that strangely her offer coincided with the development of my new hypnosis-ray. I can now confirm that these rumors are complete coincidence. You will not remember this note. Your eyes are getting heavy.

If you would like to read this guest post in question, the link may be found here: I want you for evil army.

A Thing to Consider, Part 1

Hello, my students.

You may have noticed my silence over these past few months. I will attempt to remedy this, not the least because someone actually left a comment, proving that, on occasion, people may actually read this. It may be because they heard about it from me, or decided for whatever reason to Google a cheap source of slave labor to build their death ray, or it may be because they just happened to click on the wrong link.

I don't care. Views are views.

Apologies over. Moving on...

The topic I've chosen to address in today's lesson is one that I may or may not have briefly addressed before, and that is this:

What is the proper etiquette for telling your Overlord that you wish to leave?

Of course, the easiest, and often safest way, is not to tell him at all. We will discuss this more in the second part of this class.

First of all, there are things to consider. Namely, why are you leaving in the first place?

Often the Overlord is simply insane. This is not necessarily a bad thing; most of the best villains are. However, if you begin to fear for your sanity - you are, simply put, in the wrong line of work.

Telling your Overlord this, though, if he is likely to go into a psychotic rage, can be an intimidating prospect. There are several ideal situations. For example, if I were faced with such a situation, my dialogue would probably go something like this, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett:

Hypothetical Me: "Permission to leave for grandmother's funeral?"

Hypothetical Overlord: "Why?"

Hypothetical Me: "It's her or me."

Or, if that sounds like the perfect way to get yourself smote, try simply lying and telling him you're going somewhere else.

You can also tell your Overlord exactly why you want to leave. Perhaps you'll catch him in a good mood, and he'll let you go with nothing but a generous severance package. Unfortunately, sometimes you'll catch him in a less good mood, and he'll let you go with a less-than-generous severance package (sometimes it's best not to imagine what precisely is being severed).

So honestly is not always the best policy.


Which brings us to another possible reason for your desire to leave evil service: Morals. Perhaps you have decided to leave because you don't feel comfortable serving evil any longer.

Leave immediately, and without any attempts to persuade your former Overlord from his wicked ways. There's plenty of time for that via email or long-distance phone calls. I will not address this very much, for the simple reason that chances of survival for you aren't so great.


Good luck, and this topic should return with the next lesson.

As always, go darken the world like a little shadow of evil.

~Headmistress Darke

My, my... Some recognition at last.

Well, not personal recognition. I remain in delightful obscurity. Or less than delightful obscurity.

I am not bitter.

Much.

I had, in fact, been growing less interested in my beloved school. Evil seemed to leave me for these past months.... I have, for no reason beside a sunny day or a kind word from the strange creatures called friends, been feeling cheerful. Oh, woe is me; cheerful without even blowing anything up.

Until I was browsing the blog of Stellar Four, located at this link HERE, and saw their latest blog post, located at this link HERE. Thank you to the ladies at Stellar Four.

Their blog led me to Evil Supply Co. at this last link HERE where the first thing that caught my attention was that they have merit badges for Overlords - and for minions.

Yes, you heard that correctly. We have recognition! I mean, Overlords are always used to brushing minions aside until they need us to do some dirty word - and everyone thinks of us as less. I mean, I capitalize Overlord but not minion! Even I fall pray to the whims of society, such as it is.

But at least we have some recognition, and now the perfect way to show you are proud of being a minion is to go and proudly wear one of these badges on your Dark Robe of Evil.

(Of course, one might argue that you cannot wear an evil merit badge - or as I like to think of them, de-merit badges - unless you actually do recognize a hero in disguise or work with evil robots, but hey; you're evil.)

So go and spend any money you may or may not have (banks are usually a good place to start, and you've been dying to test out that new ray gun) on all sorts of lovely evil trinkets and cards from the site. While you're at it, be sure to check out Stellar Four, because I ripped off their blog post without permission and I do not want to be sued.

Note to Stellar Four: Please do not sue me. It has been established that I am mildly evil, but not deserving of any real punishment.

 In fact, when it comes down to it, ripping off someone's blog is the most evil thing I've done in recent times.

And I even gave them credit, at what is PROBABLY THIS LAST LINK HERE.

I think I'll go slam my head against my desk a few times.

What goes around comes around

When I was younger I had no idea what that phrase meant. It was something my parents said, but let's be honest about this - at that age, when your parents talk, it all comes out as "ner ner ner."

But I think this phrase - 'what goes around comes around', not 'ner ner ner' carries some significance to the modern minion.

People aren't going to respect you if you're like a cat playing with a mouse. They aren't going like you, and that's more important than you think.

For example: You've been captured by the hero. Not two days ago, though, it was the other way around; he was in your master's dungeons.

Now, here's the question: While he was your prisoner, how did you treat him? I mean, even ignoring what your Overlord told you to do. He may have told you to torture the prisoner, but were you gloating? Did you enjoy it?

Because if so, I would advise not  getting captured. It isn't going to be fun. I mean, less fun than getting captured by the enemy usually is.

What goes around comes around. Treat your enemies with as much respect as you can, or at least, don't go out of your way to cause discomfort. You'll regret it.

Something to Avoid, Part 1

This is a very important subject for those of you who are dumb enough to become hulking thugs (not that all thugs are dumb, of course - just most). If you aren't incredibly dumb, you probably don't need to read this, but I suggest you do anyway.

Don't fall in love with your boss. He is evil.

I mean, please. 

How often has it happened? The minion falls in love with the Overlord, and serves him all the more willingly for it.

Let's face facts, people. If you think the Overlord is falling in love with you, you are being manipulated. Anyone ever watched, for example Harry Potter?

Or perhaps Doctor Who?

What do Chip and Bellatrix have in common?

They fell in love with their master/mistress. And what happened? Why, they died. They were merely pawns. Valuable pawns, perhaps, but pawns nonetheless.

It's happened countless times, people. And when has it actually ended well?

Given a choice on this blog, I will always give advice for the minion's benefit, not the Overlord's (unless they are the same at the time). So believe me when I tell you that this is a stupid idea.

Please excuse the little rant.

Homework: Give me more examples of stupid minions falling for their Overlords/masters/mistresses.

~Headmistress Darke

Weaponry

I apologize, my loyal minions (or I would, if I really cared) about my silence these past few weeks. I'd give an excuse, but I was just too busy to think of one.

Today we're going to talk about what kind of weaponry you should - as a minion - have access to.

Tip for all you Overlords out there: Yes, your minions need to have weapons. Only an idiot has guards that aren't armed. You might be surprised how often this mistake is made.

A conversation held with my Overlord a few months ago held quite a few promising hints at the future. For example, if I am completely loyal and all that, once I retire he claims he will give me rule over northern Japan. He also promised me all the weapons I can carry.

Again, tip for you Overlords reading this: Don't lie to the minions, okay? It never works out. Go watch... heck, any movie with a villain. It happens.

As a minion, you should always be armed. Never - EVER - let your guard down. If you really want to go all-out, do the old "Wild, Wild West" TV show thing and carry a gun up your sleeve, explosives in your detachable heel, and knives in your hidden pockets. It pays off, trust me.

But the most valuable tool you can have, as a red-shirt (homework for today: Give me the definition of a red-shirt) is the ability to scare. Never shoot if you can merely threaten. Oft times it's enough to be holding a really big gun. It doesn't have to be loaded.

Well yes, it does. Because sometimes scaring isn't enough. You get my point, yes?


Glad to hear it.


Also, in other news: Moira Darke's School for Minions is getting an official-ish logo! It should be displayed as the masthead relatively soon.

~Headmistress Darke

Surrendering

I don't know if this is technically classified as a Part Two from my last post (When To Run Away) but it's on a similar subject: When do you surrender to the hero?

Keeping yourself alive is always a perk in this business. In any business, really. You shouldn't let your pride get in the way of keeping yourself out of trouble, and spending a few years in prison is a small price to pay relative to finding yourself in separate pieces.

But as is suggested by the Evil Overlord List (Peter's Evil Overlord List. If you haven't read it by now, you should. Even if you don't think you'll ever achieve Overlord status, it'll help you stay alive)

 "No. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."

Again to quote the List, No. 174 "If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution."

Oftentimes the hero (being, you know, heroic) will offer to spare you if you recant your evil ways. And you know what? That's actually an option. No, I don't mean pretending to convert, I mean actually legitimately repenting for all your wicked ways. You may still have to suffer some consequences, but no one said this minion thing had to be a lifetime gig.

(Note: It often is a lifetime gig, but that's only because you don't live very long.)

Or you can do the typical thing; surrender and, as soon as possible, get out of there. Heck, sometimes the hero or his party will even heal and feed you first.

But bear in mind, it's best not to be in debt. Depending on your class (hulking thugs don't have to worry about this, but many people do) you may actually have some obligation. The Overlord wants minions with some - no matter how minute - kind of honor code. So beware giving yourself up in order to survive.

If you can, escape. But above all, DO NOT LET THE OVERLORD'S SPY SEE YOU. He'll carry tales to the Overlord, and you'll end up executed for treason.

If you're the sycophant kind of minion, you're in particularly deep trouble. You're already suspected of being a two-faced henchmen - don't make it worse by aiding/accepting aid from the hero. I know I advise this a lot, but you'll want to get out of there if that's the case.

If you're the secretary sort of minion, then you'll probably be okay. Just look sufficiently drained and exhausted when you show up at the fortress again and tell of how you had to crawl through three miles of thorns and fight a bull with your bare hands to get back. Obviously the Overlord will, sooner or later, discover the truth. Hopefully by that time you've earned enough money to retire comfortably.

~Headmistress Darke

When to Run Away

This post is interesting, since I don't have too much experience with running away. I don't mean to say that as a boast; in fact, cowardice is almost expected from minions. No, running away can often be the best solution to a bad situation.

That's why you need to make sure your minion shoes - whether they be part of your uniform, or of your own choosing - have very good grip, are not to burdensome, and will not sound too loud if you are fleeing into a forest.

One of the things I suggest is to never look back over your shoulder. This will slow you down. However, you think you are right about to be overtaken, a quick glance could give you that extra jolt of adrenaline you need to survive.



There are many reasons you may need to run. The classic is this:

Your Overlord has sent you to collect something or assassinate someone. You and your party have just settled down for the night. You've generously volunteered (ie, been forced) to take first watch.

Something rustles in the bushes.

Now, not being a complete idiot, you decide not to go and investigate. But what do you do? Waking your party up for a rabbit seems a bit daft. And there's no surer way to get killed than to show weakness or bad judgement.

That's when the ambush springs.

If your troops appear to be winning, it's important to be in the middle of the fight. You might even want to allow yourself to sustain a few light injuries - nothing movement-impairing - and pant a lot. But if, more likely, the ambush is successful and most of your men are killed in their sleep-befuddled state (NEVER allow them to become befuddled by other things. Drinking on duty is a terrible thing) then you'll want to flee into the darkness. You can return later to see what the damage was.

Now some of you may be asking, "Isn't this a bad idea? Running into the woods at night with no clue where you are?" Others, still, might want to know, "Isn't this a little too spineless? Shouldn't I rely more on my men?"

Excuse me while I hide a small and polite laugh behind my black-lace handkerchief and mark you on my "execute promptly" list. This is the kind of thinking that will get you killed.

Another situation you might find yourself in: What if the Overlord is right there in front of you? Perhaps in a face-off with the hero? The odds are in the hero's favor, and your survival isn't looking good. Worst of all, the comic relief or heroic sidekick is sizing you up (and vice versa).

Run.

Don't expect the villain to forget you running, but trust me, it's not worth sticking around. You can find an new Overlord, or become a shoemaker or a postman. It's better than getting killed and watching the Overlord step over your body as he incinerates the hero.

Another thing to consider is returning later on. The Overlord often will accept you back (with considerably less trust, of course) and life will continue on as normal in the black fortress of doom.

Or you'll die. That happens sometimes too.

If you need to, get out of the country. Cross an ocean, do whatever you need to in order to get out of there. Because sometimes groveling just doesn't work, and you're going to need all the time you can get in order to flee the Overlord's wrath.

~Headmistress Darke

Why You Shouldn't Trust Your Co-workers

Or your friends in general.

Oh, don't get me wrong; friendship is fine. Romance is fine. Rivalry is expected and fine. But oh, dear fellow minions, don't try trust anyone.

The whole point of being a minion is to someday be an Overlord. Oh, that's optional, of course. But if you display a lack of ambition, then you'll surely be replaced. No, it is best to at least act as if power is tempting. Besides, Overlords want minions who can be easily manipulated.

That doesn't mean you have to be a weak-minded fool.

You just have to look like one.

Your fellow minions will be strong competition. If you are particularly high on the rank list, then you will undoubtedly be the target of assassination attempts.

So here are some tips for avoiding, in the words of the Clockwork Quartet, "A messy and permanent stop."

Do not accept food or drink from anyone except the Overlord or the grocery store. Yes, there is a chance that the shopkeeper wants to kill you too, or the Overlord will kill you on a whim, but it's safer than going to the pub with some other, slightly lower rank, minion who will slip poison into your beer.

Don't ever be alone with someone who hates you. This may seem obvious, but it's a common mistake.

Always carry a weapon unless this is expressly forbidden. No matter how small - from a letter-opener to a chainsaw - anything that can protect you in freak circumstances is valuable.

Try and avoid being selected to accompany the Overlord on journeys that require teaming up with the heroes. Why? Because you are automatically the red shirt. Every watch National Treasure? First or second? You're going to die.

(Note: A "red shirt" is a Star Trek term, in reference to the fact that the character who dies in the beginning of every episode usually wears a red shirt.)

The sad truth of the matter is, you are always in danger from your friends. Never trust them. Enjoy their company, accept their words as truth with possible exceptions, but don't allow them to betray you. It'll go better for everyone if you stay alive.

At least, for yourself. And that's what counts

~Headmistress Darke

How to Commit Evil With Style

Style is important to a minion. It's not enough to just feel evil inside; you have to look it. But of course, what you're wearing and how you carry yourself has to compliment your Overlord. Perhaps it's not fair, but that's the way it works.

We'll deal first with the usual look for Overlords, and the attitude: He wears black, he doesn't carry weapons (but is quite adept at pushing large red buttons that say "Do Not Push" on them), he carries himself with confidence. He does require minions because he is usually quite physically weak. But he is often a good shot and/or a master of poisons, assassination, etc.

If you are serving this type of Overlord, you aren't terribly restricted. What works best is the hulking look; you (and if you have a partner) lurk behind the Overlord's shoulder, or behind his throne, and watch in case of attacks. You do not have to worry about clothing very much; just dress modestly if you're a female, and do not try and look more dangerous than the overlord. You can also go for the accountant type (think Drumknott from Discworld) or the sycophant, "I'll never betray you, master, let me lick your boots," type. That is not advisable, though - they almost always die.


The next type of villain is the flamboyant psychopath (a personal favorite). He wears bright colors, and tends to smile a lot. He also likes to shoot things/blow things up/stab things/murder people. For this kind of a guy, you want to NOT DRAW ATTENTION to yourself. He will kill you. Keep your dress code subdued. You might want to encourage your fellow minions to NOT do the same - it's best to have someone who looks like a better target standing next to you. Gray or black are good colors. But if you go for the black, make it a dustier shade. Sunglasses are never a good idea. Having a mustache, gents, will also likely get you in an unpleasant situation (ie, hanging upside down by your toes over a flaming cauldron of boiling oil while small rodents nibble on your ears).

The joker is a prime example of this type of villain.

Next, there's the business of crime lords. They often have funny accents (the definition of a funny accent - any accent that is not your own) and carry guns with them. You will never see them without a suit on, although it changes from cheap to quite expensive.

Interestingly enough, the better the crime lord, the cheaper the suit. If you have enough control over the gangs, you have nobody to impress. But, as a minion (or, in the world of crime lords, a "thug" or a "crony" or a "henchman") you must dress to impress. Always wear a suit that is clean and well pressed - but never more expensive than your master's.

A note to the female minions of crime lords: despite what the other female minions think, your job description is not "attractive girl in skimpy clothes who sits around passing me items when I need them." No, you are allowed to dress with just as much class as the men.

A note to the male minions: You are, sad to say, required to act just the tiniest bit stupid. It makes the crime lord feel better about himself, even if he is actually quite smart.


The last type of Overlord to discuss today is complete-raving-lunatic-let's-kill-the-world type. They can dress anywhere from the Joker's style to Gandalf's robes and still get away from it, because no one will tell them not to.

As far as you're concerned, going in a simple suit will work. Or, you can go for the picture below, or whatever the male equivalent is.

In the few types I have mentioned here, you will notice something: I strongly encourage you to look your best at all times. Trashy minions go nowhere except to die at the hero's hands, so please, my loyal students, stay looking respectable.