Professional Arrogance

An interesting question of evil etiquette (no, it is not an oxymoron) has arisen lately.

How does one handle one's self in the undesirable position of being in the presence of a hero in a non-combat appropriate situation?

You would be surprised how often this happens. For example, quite often the hero and the Overlord are related or grew up together or otherwise were familiar with each other before this whole "evil" business started. What this invariably means is that there are going to be times when they cannot avoid each other, and cannot actively attempt to kill one another.

I grant you, these times are very rare and only effect Overlords who are not, in fact, Overlords at all - rather aspiring Overlords. Overlords who have successfully dominated the world rarely need to worry about social obligations.

But you as a minion do not have that luxury, and most aspiring Overlords don't either.

The first thing to remember, obviously enough, is not to start shooting (as tempting as it may be). This also applies to you Overlords out there.

Occasionally you will simply run into an opponent. If your Overlord is not present, you have a few decisions to make. For starters: Could you, in theory, take this enemy on in a fight?

If the answer is no, do whatever it takes to avoid fighting. Surrender, if you have to.

Or talk.

Obviously if you are in a public location with no hope of defeating the hero, fighting is not an acceptable answer. I recommend speaking with the respect of one working stiff to another. You are, as they say, off the clock. This may even be the correct time to learn important information about the hero through observation in a non-combat situation (something that, as a minion, you very rarely experience).

Alternately you could simply dodge behind the nearest tree, shelf, building or person and try to avoid eye contact. That works too.

~Headmistress Darke

the Etiquette of Understatement

This is, my apprentice minions, yet another lesson discussing the basics of Overlord/Minion relationships and manners.

Something that has recently been brought to my attention is the growing concern that too much of minionhood is about simply avoiding death and dodging hero attacks. But we cannot all be action heroes; for a start, nothing would actually get done.

 Obsidian fortresses of death are all well and good, but who sweeps the floor? Who cleans the torture rooms? Who brings the Overlord coffee and then washes the dishes?

To be honest, the concise answer is this: you do.

Or rather, not you personally (if you do, you may consider a different Overlord). This school's curriculum is geared towards those who are not simply minions, but are the head of minions. Consider yourself the butler. You do the tasks that require interaction with the Overlord, and you delegate the others to minions lower on the ladder of command (in general, when minioning, the easiest position is at the head of the ladder, and the safest is just below that).

For example, you will bring the Overlord coffee (for the record, my current Overlord prefers hot chocolate. If I mysteriously stop posting after this, I have probably been smote by his evil wrath. It will certainly prove whether or not he reads this blog. Likewise, the other Overlord who works with the firsts Overlord - they're Co-verlords - prefers gummy bears).

Besides bringing the Overlord the favored beverage of his choice, you will also undoubtedly be the one chauffeuring him to all his evil appointments like the nuclear warhead shop and the company that he plans on blackmailing into funding his excursions to the nuclear warhead shop. You'd be surprised how expensive taking over the world can be.

And where are you during these negotiations? Why, you are nowhere at all. You are simply standing discreetly behind your Overlord, carrying whatever paperwork or deadly weapons he made need, and not saying a word.*

Likewise, when cleaning the evil fortress, you must make sure to never be obvious while doing so. It's fine to be sweeping the floor in the background, but not while the Overlord is entertaining guests or possibly torturing them.

You must also make sure that your methods of hiding in plain sight, so to speak, means that you will rarely be noticed even by the Overlord. For example, if the hero mysteriously escapes his prison, chances are quite evil (the word good was not appropriate here) that your Overlord will fly into a rage and want someone to murder brutally. It is advisable that it isn't you.

This is why a uniform for the staff is a good idea. If every single person in the fortress and the evil army is wearing something identical, and the Overlord is the only person singled out, you stand a much better chance of avoiding the notice of people who wish to do harm.

Keep out of the Overlord's way, and clean up his messes. That is the duty you have gotten yourself into.

~Headmistress Darke

*

Side note: The exception to this rule is, of course, to the hulking thug variety of minion, who must look as indiscreet as possible. He needs to be noticed (I here say he, because the hulking thug is hardly ever female). The trouble he has, however, is looking terrifying while not washing out the Overlord's aura of evil menace.

And Now a Word From Our Sponser

Interestingly enough, my Overlord has just discovered this blog and has graciously volunteered to give his own views on minionship. I might consider protesting, except he provides my paycheck. So without further ado, a guest blog post from Overlord Kain Eralf.

 

"I agree with Miss Darke, the quality of minions is going down, in overall performance, and just the common sense that one has, well should have, when in such an occupation.

As an Overlord, it is our duty to properly train our minions, and train them well; however, many of us are ignoring this responsibility, which is why, so far, we have all failed. Of course, the minions are rarely to blame for the actual fall of their lord. A lot of them have made mistakes, and much too many are actually switching sides. Ugh, Overlords going good, it's horrible.
Minions should make sure that their overlord is truly evil first, and then do everything they can to help ensure their lord’s success.

One common instance I have found leading to one’s demise can be easily fixed. A minion should take these steps. When their master’s arch nemesis is in the cell block, stay awake, make sure that there are no objects with which the prisoner can hook the keys off the wall (not like they should be hanging on the wall anyways. They should be a ways away, in the master lockbox, in possession of a diligent and wise minion, or similar.), and do not listen to or believe their pitiful sob story of a troubled life with no parents, etc. and any other heartstrings way of getting away.

Note to Minions: If you haven’t already figured this out, when said arch nemesis is released from his cell for any reason, he will, understandably, go to silence to the guard.

Other general tips include; if there are not regular training exercises, try to find a way to start one.

 

On patrols, if you hear a strange noise, inform the head of your department as to what you heard and where you heard it. Try to find the safest way to investigate. Same goes for if your patrol partner suddenly goes missing. Though, if he does go missing, hit the alarm immediately. If YOU’RE the one that gets picked up by one of the hero’s gang, screaming is probably the best you can do other than taking a shot at them. Screaming will tell your partner to hit the alarm. Constantly practice your aim and overall skill with ranged and close-range weapons too. A well-practiced mind and trigger finger are key to being promoted.
 

Simply, read Peter’s Overlord list, it is a huge help to Overlord and Minion alike.

Minions, be as productive as possible, only object to small matters when your lord is in a good mood unless you are his trusted lieutenant. Help him in what ways you can, make smart decisions, and ALWAYS be diligent.

Guest Speaker,
Kain A. Eralf,
Overlord